blame is on me
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blame is on me

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Old 11-28-10, 04:18 AM   #1
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Default blame is on me

I'm new as you can be on here... went searching for some answers and found this site. If I don't make any sense, sorry. I'm just so numb and havn't slept at all. My boyfriend and father of my son (2) killed himself four days ago.
Some background... We were together off and on for 5 years. When we were off it was because I made it that way after not being able to handle anymore from him. The last "off" was in Jan of this year. His mom was going to pass away very soon from cancer around May of this year and he begged me to come back to him saying that he had changed. I did go back partly because I believed him and partly because I wanted to be there for him when his mom died. Also for our son to be with both of his parents. His mom died in June. He didn't seem so bad but now looking back he was. He relied on me to be his absoulte everything. His confidance, his motivation, just everything was put on me. And I was never doing a good enough job according to him. I had to deal with mental and physical abuse. He was controlling over everything all the while saying that if I gave him more assurance that he wouldn't be. All I needed to do was be better and make him feel like I was in it to win it with him and he would be okay. Well I tried to but his neediness just pushed me farther and farther away from him. I was so mad all the time. We hardly ever talked and when we did it wasn't about anything important. I resented him ALOT and it showed. I told him I was leaving all the time. But he would beg me to stay and we would come up with a plan to make things work. He also hinted a few times that if I left he would kill himself. I told his ex wife, sister, and my best friend (his cousin) what he said. The ex wife told me to leave, that I needed to for the kids, and that his family would take care of him. I tried getting him to go to counseling or get on meds but he would not.

The day before we had gotten into a fight over something stupid and he beat me up worse than ever before. It was like he was just blank. I honestly thought he was going to kill me. We went to bed and the next day when he left for work I just layed in bed thinking of what the hell to do. I called my mom and she came over. I told her what happened. My son and I left with her and went to her house. His ex wife told me to go to the police and so did my mom. I did. I wanted him to get help. He wouldn't do it any other way. But because it was a day after they couldn't arrest him right away and the sheriff only talked to him that night. He sent me hundreds of texts begging me to come home when he found out I had left. He only sent me five after he found out I had went to the police. The last one was around 10pm. I responded to a few of them saying no I wasn't coming home and asked if he did talk to the police. He said yes and he loved us all and would miss us. I only thought he meant because he thought he was going to jail. I don't know why I was so blind. His ex wife found him the next day after I asked her to go check on him.

His family besides his ex- wife and sister are blaming me. One of his cousins writes things on facebook that are freaking horrible.... threats and insinuating that I didn't give a crap about him and saying that I told him he would be better off dead?!?! I know that one of his cousins that I was supposedly best friends with has been telling the rest of the family about fights that he and I got into and telling them every mean thing I ever told him that she can remember. I don't understand how something that was said 1 or 2 years ago is relavant now! They ALL knew how he was. He was NOT the easiest person to live with especially as a significant other. The worst part is I feel like I can't even go to his funeral. All I tried to do was get him help he needed and protect myself and my kids. But because of what his cousin knows of our fighting and can say whatever she wants and because I didn't answer all of his texts that night they feel like I spit on him when he was calling out for help and that I didn't care about him. I was told that if I show up at the funeral there will be hell to pay. How do I handle that? Should I even go? Also he left a note. I am so scared to see what he wrote. Do any of you have any insight as to what suicide notes usually contain? All of his texts to me that night said nothing bad at all. Just begging me to come back and that he loved me. If he blames me in his note that will just give his family more reasons to wish me dead.

I just know that I could handle this so much easier if I didn't feel so much guilt and his family wasn't putting all of this on me. I feel so sick. Any insight you might have will help I'm sure. Thanks so much for sticking with me and reading this.

Last edited by Cushi; 12-02-10 at 12:45 PM.
dime is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-28-10, 08:08 AM   #2
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Hi and welcome to TTL
First of all im sorry for your loss.
As for his family and this is only my opinion but they are totally wrong. It is not your fault your ex felt he had to do this. Please stop blaming yourself no matter what others say. Even if you had answered all of his texts or returned who is to say he still wouldnt of commited suicide?
Its totally out of order to blame his death on you and i hope they soon realise this.
I dont use Facebook but i would of thought threatening behaviour can be reported to the site or if it warrents it to the police?
As for the funeral i know you probably really want to go to say good bye and pay your respects but if there is any chance of there being trouble i would advise you to stay away and visit in your own time when others have gone.
Reading your post i can see you tried really hard to get him to ask for help. You did everything you could at the time. There was no way you could of known what he was planning.
I hope you can stay strong for yourself and children during this sad time.
Please keep posting if it helps
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Old 11-28-10, 06:12 PM   #3
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Wow, I'm sorry to hear about this. I don't know what to say but I'm almost speechless that this tragedy happened. You were right to do whatever was necessary for your safety and your kids, so it wasn't your fault you left. You deserve to live without abuse. That being said it sounds like he felt remorse over what he did, but had anger problems he couldn't control. I think you should go to his funeral IF you can somehow avoid his cousins that have been falsely accusing you, and you're safe. It sucks that they're spreading rumours on Facebook (another reason why I hate it but that's another topic). If you're afraid of reading the note, is there a friend or family member you trust that could be there for you when you read it so you have a shoulder to cry on? (If you're comfortable) I'm sorry, I hope the best for you.
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Old 11-30-10, 09:23 PM   #4
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I am so so sorry for what you are going through. Not only are you having to deal with your own remorse but your sons aswell, not forgetting the family who are obviously looking for someone to blame.

Do not blame yourself. There is only so much one person can do for another until they have to help themselves. Trust me i know from experiance that you cant help someone that doesnt want to help themselves. You did everything you could and of course you said things you didnt mean, it sounds like he bought the worst out of you so who can blame you for that? Sounds like he put you through hell, why should you be subjected to that and then blamed because he ended his own life. You didnt force him to do it.

I wrote a suicide note once and it basically appologised for all the bad things i had done, i explained how sad and miserable i was and how ending my life would make all those troubles go away. I would imagine he would just have written everything he probably would have wanted to say when he was alive but probably couldnt find it in himself to open up about. Its usually a load of mumbo jumbo from a confused, angry and miserable persons mind that may make no sense to you at all.

I think you are incredibly strong and your resiliance to him is admirable. You really are a wonderful role model to your little boy. In regards to the funeral, why shouldnt you go? You have every right, you spent a considerable amount of time with this man and he fatherd your child. You deserve closure to. If they are threatening you and you have proof of this, tell the police and see if an officer can escort you there? Or take a friend with you. Keep yourself to yourself, pay your respects and dont rise to the bait. Remember, they are hurting to and their just looking for someone to pin the blame on. Its a natural insinct we all have, some of us just know how to control it.

God bless you my love, i really wish you the best. xxxx
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Old 12-04-10, 11:59 AM   #5
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I know this was posted a while back but your story really moved me. It sounds absolutely horrible that not only have you had to deal with the loss of a loved one, but his family blaming you for HIM taking his life is totally unprecedented. Especialy when he's verybally and physically abused you.

You had nothing to do with his decision to take his own life so please don't blame yourself. Losing someone in any situation is bad enough but you need to try and remain strong for you and your child. I really hope that you are being supported by your friends and family in this very difficult time.

Be strong and in time you will find peace. All the best
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Old 12-09-10, 10:16 PM   #6
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DO NOT blame yourself.

DO NOT let others blame you.

You need to go into counseling (even more than ever) as an abused partner. You were the victim, not the cause of his suicide.

Honey, he made his OWN choices ... and you are not responsible for a single one. No matter what he told you, you were not responsible for his anger, for his cruelty to you, for his behavior!

It is too easy for a partner to blame herself for the abuse, and unless you get counseling, you will likely end up in another abusive relationship. Call an abused women's shelter, and ask for a referral.

You don't know how much I care that you stay safe!
Sometimes life is just about taking one step at a time until you reach your destination.
You don't have to get there all at once.
Have hope - keep walking - keep breathing.

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