Hey there, hope everyone had a great Halloween. The name's valcliff, and I'm....well I don't THINK I'm depressed, but I'm really having trouble coping with a lot of the world's crap, these days.
Being 31 is a really lousy age to be, it's probably cause I didn't finish college, lol. I left Texas (spent most of my life there) and came all the way up to Fort Wayne, Indiana, just to take the long-distance part out of the equation for a girl I was dating. 'Was', being the tentative word here, since just a few months later I broke things off with her. I just didn't get the impression she cared about me anymore - wasn't even sure if I ever really mattered to her at all. Even when I got here, I still had several months of her finishing clinicals and such in grad school before she had any free time outside of weekend afternoons. But even before the trip up here, I somehow started having nagging doubts about her feelings for me, which I already am kicking myself over for not paying more heed to. It must have been obvious as headlights in a window for anyone else that knew anything about our relationship. I don't know, perhaps I just thought the move might breathe some life (back?) into the relationship, but the truth is that all I managed to do was arrive and see it floating face-down in the water. She'd grown so accustomed to feigning that graduate school just couldn't allow her to feel anything serious for me (we'd been dating stead for about 2 and a half years, up until the breakup), that she just couldn't help but fabricate new walls to avoid anything intimate. It should also be noted that, through the months preceding the move, I'd offered her an easy and guilt-free out from this relationship if she just didn't feel anything for me anymore on numerous occasions, and she declined the offer every time.
I mentioned earlier that it sucks being in my age group and having not finished college. I don't have any old friends to really fall back on. Oh, I got Steam and whatnot to keep in touch with gamer bros, but that still hardly glosses over all the friends I had in high school. They've all gone off, done their own thing, and started new lives all over the country. I left my family behind (and a few good friends from work and Magic tourneys) for a stupid pipedream. Granted, my anxiety with my job was at an all-time high (had been a janitor in a grocery store for about 7 years), so I was ready to fly the coop either way. My first pick would have been Colorado, since then I could be in driving distance of the Stanley, lol. But I chose Indiana, only to have my girlfriend decide she only saw me as a friend a few months too late.
Frustration doesn't even begin to describe everything bubbling inside me right now. So I'm now working a warehouse gig, only JUST BARELY able to scrape expenses (have recently had to adjust from getting paid weekly to biweekly - it has not been an enjoyable process), and I'm in a city where I don't know ANYONE. So, I guess I'm a little too world-weary to freak out about the hopelessness of the situation, but it'd sure be nice if I could make some actual friends to talk to soon. Uber bonus if anyone here's actually in the Allen county area, but knowing how generous the world's been with my luck as of late, I'm not holding my breath. To clarify, no, I don't suffer clinical depression (as in, feeling low enough to want to die even when everything is going completely perfect in my life). My depression definitely has a cause and effect going on. I'm not in any danger of myself, I just really want to make new friends and maybe take the edge off a really unfair situation.