i bow my head in humble relief; i am getting better.
things are far from "solved," but i am undeniably getting better.
i went to the library yesterday and got a book out. it's title is: Forgiveness Is A Choice: A step-by-step process for resolving anger and restoring hope
, and it's by Robert D. Enright, PhD. i am ready to investigate the possibility of forgiveness.
i cannot live with all this rage. no....it's more than that. I do not want to live with all this rage. It's killing me. It's making me sick. It's making me into some dark, black, evil creature and I don't want to be it. Forgiving the many, many injustices done to me does not mean anyone is free to come along and do them again. I am not saying it's okay to abuse me. I am not not going to fight back if you try to hurt me. I will not turn the other cheek, nor will I refuse to defend myself. I am not saying I am a doormat, when I say I want to forgive. I am not saying I will forget, either. What do I mean then, by "forgiveness"?
I need to think out loud.
Forgiveness means I can let the rage go. I do not want to hold on to such intense fire, because it's burning my flesh right off the bone. I am in a lot of pain, when i hold on to the fire of rage. It is poison. It poisons my mind, makes me suspicious of others, makes my life miserable because then I have no friends, no allys. Everyone is an enemy. My life becomes very lonely and small. Addictions crop up out of every corner. I end up talking to myself, hiding up in my room, refusing to talk to anyone, not smiling, not laughing, not eating, no showering, not going outside. Having ZERO fun. I like fun. I like being outside in the fresh breeze. I love running outside. I like to eat my food. I like to laugh with people. I like to wear cute clothes that are clean on my clean body and hair. If I continue to let these rage-fires burn, I will have nothing I like in my life.
I AM TIRED OF BEING ANGRY. i AM TIRED OF FEELING RAGE AND HATRED.
life is short/hard enough/painful enough as it is, what with all it's uncertainties and little surprises. why must i recap all the hurts i've lived through. the past is over. not that i want to ignore the past; i know what disassociation is, and how that can hurt me, too. i just don't want to wallow in the past. i don't want to keep hurting. i am tired of hurting, that's all. and if all it takes is a switch in thinking to make the pain go away, or at least lessen, then so be it. "Thy will, not mine, be done."