"Thy will, not mine, be done."
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"Thy will, not mine, be done."

This is a discussion on "Thy will, not mine, be done." within the Getting Better forums, part of the Inspiration category; i bow my head in humble relief; i am getting better. things are far from "solved," but i am undeniably ...

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Old 01-16-10, 01:53 PM   #1
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Default "Thy will, not mine, be done."

i bow my head in humble relief; i am getting better.
things are far from "solved," but i am undeniably getting better.

i went to the library yesterday and got a book out. it's title is: Forgiveness Is A Choice: A step-by-step process for resolving anger and restoring hope, and it's by Robert D. Enright, PhD. i am ready to investigate the possibility of forgiveness.

i cannot live with all this rage. no....it's more than that. I do not want to live with all this rage. It's killing me. It's making me sick. It's making me into some dark, black, evil creature and I don't want to be it. Forgiving the many, many injustices done to me does not mean anyone is free to come along and do them again. I am not saying it's okay to abuse me. I am not not going to fight back if you try to hurt me. I will not turn the other cheek, nor will I refuse to defend myself. I am not saying I am a doormat, when I say I want to forgive. I am not saying I will forget, either. What do I mean then, by "forgiveness"?

I need to think out loud.
Forgiveness means I can let the rage go. I do not want to hold on to such intense fire, because it's burning my flesh right off the bone. I am in a lot of pain, when i hold on to the fire of rage. It is poison. It poisons my mind, makes me suspicious of others, makes my life miserable because then I have no friends, no allys. Everyone is an enemy. My life becomes very lonely and small. Addictions crop up out of every corner. I end up talking to myself, hiding up in my room, refusing to talk to anyone, not smiling, not laughing, not eating, no showering, not going outside. Having ZERO fun. I like fun. I like being outside in the fresh breeze. I love running outside. I like to eat my food. I like to laugh with people. I like to wear cute clothes that are clean on my clean body and hair. If I continue to let these rage-fires burn, I will have nothing I like in my life.
I AM TIRED OF BEING ANGRY. i AM TIRED OF FEELING RAGE AND HATRED.

life is short/hard enough/painful enough as it is, what with all it's uncertainties and little surprises. why must i recap all the hurts i've lived through. the past is over. not that i want to ignore the past; i know what disassociation is, and how that can hurt me, too. i just don't want to wallow in the past. i don't want to keep hurting. i am tired of hurting, that's all. and if all it takes is a switch in thinking to make the pain go away, or at least lessen, then so be it. "Thy will, not mine, be done."
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Old 01-16-10, 03:01 PM   #2
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Forgiveness is a huge step forward Hootspa, It doesn't ever justify what was done to you,and it doesn't mean you are a doormat. It doesn't mean you forget what happened. It helps to realize that your parents had almost certainly been the victims of abuse when they were children and never dealt with it. It also helps to think of all the things we wish to be forgiven for. "Forgive us our trespasses as we we forgive those who trespass against us" Carrying around all that rage is hurting you more than anyone else and must be a huge burden. I really notice a real shift in your outlook since I first read your posts. You are truly getting better. Your writing has some optimism to it and it does my heart good. Praying for you. Peace
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Old 01-17-10, 04:39 PM   #3
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Default Today's Lessons...

today, i noticed my happiness has always been in my grasp.
i thought so-and-so made me unhappy, but that was not true.
i can control my emotions, the way i think. i can control whether i want to be sad or happy. sort of. today, i want to be happy. i don't want to re-hash the old hurts, nor the new hurts. i am tired of hurting.

somebody hurt my feelings today. i felt hurt. i realized i had a choice. i could hand my power over to this person, feel rejected, and hide in the corner, refusing to talk to anyone and run out with my tail between my legs; OR, i could pray for this person, assume they were having some difficult issues of their own, and not take their bad behavior personally. i decided to stay and talk to other people, to stay and look around and smile. i'm glad i did. so far, i've had a pretty good day. i've been praying steadily, and i bet that has a lot to do with it.

i am not magically healed. i still have a large burn on my arm. i'm still seeing weird things, bugs, shadows. i am still fighting against this strong belief i'm being watched. but i'm better. i'm better. i spoke to a group, i had fun at the gym, i called a couple people on the phone and spoke freely, i enjoyed some food and am about to enjoy some more.

i think i am not alone. i think other people have lived through some pretty horrendous experiences, rivaling my own. i am looking forward to my home group tomorrow morning, seeing my friends there. it's amazing that i can see tomorrow. i can't really see it; i'm just trusting it's there. trusting that it'll pass, trusting that i'll be okay, trusting that somehow things are going to be all right...it's new to me. i like it, a lot. it's a lot more relaxing and a lot less scary. i have not liked being scared. i can get very scared sometimes; so scared, that i start to hallucinate and see really bad things. i haven't been that scared today. i hope i don't get that scared for a long, long time.

i learned trust from my ex-therapist. i don't know why i have hung on to trust though, because he rejected me, he basically told me he was tired of me. i've talked to a couple people and they said he was unprofessional, that it must have been difficult for me to hear that he needed a break from me. i don't know what to think. i don't know if i am bad and he is justified in needing a break from me, OR, if he is at fault, and he was unprofessional and it's his problem, not mine, that he can't handle me. I am confused on this issue: AM I BAD, OR IS HE BAD??????????

Despite being rejected, despite feeling horrible about feeling rejected, i am able to not be as paranoid. i am able to go out and talk more freely than ever. i thought i'd be more withdrawn, more suspicious, after being rejected my a therapist, after being rejected by the FIRST PERSON I'VE EVER TRUSTED, AFTER MY DAD. strangely, i am okay, i think. i'm never quite sure how things affect me until way after the traumatic event. i guess i'll have to wait and see what's revealed...
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