I stayed up last night doing computer programming - the first serious attempt since the end of last year, when I last had a job. The feeling right now? I feel I haven't accomplished shit, especially since I embarrassed myself to my ex-boss the day before.
I made a thread saying I can't work because I'm a loner, but in the past when I did work, the problem was that I was too lonely
. I'm not contradicting myself because I mean this in a different sense. What I mean is, every job I've had I've worked by myself. I think it's because it just happened that way, not because I asked for it. That's not a bad thing in itself but problem is, I have to figure out everything by myself. I didn't except in rare cases have coworkers or bosses I can ask to figure out how to do something.
My past work and much of university was mostly spent Googling (well I'm trying to avoid Google now but that's another story), and hoping something comes up. The problem is when it's the only thing you can rely on. I had a job working on something that had little documentation on the Web. I would spent a week even working overtime just Googling to no avail, or doing guess-and-check, and still not being able to do it. My boss got upset, and an "advisor" from my university blamed me for having a tendency to interrupt in conversations which was bullshit.
But the student who last worked there could
figure it out. He got asked back to the company, I didn't. Granted that particular task was pretty BS but it's a pattern that happens a lot. I spent time doing work, but I can't, or it takes too long to get it. Programming on the computer is often a nerve-wracking experience. Yes there's relief when something gets done but it's damaging to see someone spend 1/10 the time as I did but get more done. Or spending 70 hours on a project and getting 50%. I couldn't even look at the prof and TA when I showed it to them, knowing it was an embarrassment.
I can't expect to do X hours or work and get X amounts of things done. People say if you graduate from university you're smart enough - but not if you're spent a lot of time and effort. That's also why people who party, drink, and have fun at university are always more successful than those they don't. Partially because of the social factor, but also because they're smart enough to graduate without spending too much time studying. I hate the saying "study smart not hard", it's another way of saying only those BORN intelligence and brain cells can become successful.
It's hard to motivate myself because of the nature of the work is stressful - spending 10 hours of effort is wasted when you know someone else can do it in 1 hour and flaunt themselves by socializing, clubbing, etc. Yet at the end I'm the one who gets depression, is out of work, and is universally considered a lazy deadbeat - because I'M TOO FUCKING DUMB! It's hard to change fields now. I don't have confidence that it'll change anything because I'll be too dumb for that too. I don't have to do something academic/technical but with my lack of social skills and anxiety I think my options are limited.