I'm not smart enough to have a job
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I'm not smart enough to have a job

This is a discussion on I'm not smart enough to have a job within the Employment forums, part of the Life's Other Challenges category; I stayed up last night doing computer programming - the first serious attempt since the end of last year, when ...

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Old 12-09-10, 09:42 PM   #1
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Thumbs down I'm not smart enough to have a job

I stayed up last night doing computer programming - the first serious attempt since the end of last year, when I last had a job. The feeling right now? I feel I haven't accomplished shit, especially since I embarrassed myself to my ex-boss the day before.

I made a thread saying I can't work because I'm a loner, but in the past when I did work, the problem was that I was too lonely. I'm not contradicting myself because I mean this in a different sense. What I mean is, every job I've had I've worked by myself. I think it's because it just happened that way, not because I asked for it. That's not a bad thing in itself but problem is, I have to figure out everything by myself. I didn't except in rare cases have coworkers or bosses I can ask to figure out how to do something.

My past work and much of university was mostly spent Googling (well I'm trying to avoid Google now but that's another story), and hoping something comes up. The problem is when it's the only thing you can rely on. I had a job working on something that had little documentation on the Web. I would spent a week even working overtime just Googling to no avail, or doing guess-and-check, and still not being able to do it. My boss got upset, and an "advisor" from my university blamed me for having a tendency to interrupt in conversations which was bullshit.

But the student who last worked there could figure it out. He got asked back to the company, I didn't. Granted that particular task was pretty BS but it's a pattern that happens a lot. I spent time doing work, but I can't, or it takes too long to get it. Programming on the computer is often a nerve-wracking experience. Yes there's relief when something gets done but it's damaging to see someone spend 1/10 the time as I did but get more done. Or spending 70 hours on a project and getting 50%. I couldn't even look at the prof and TA when I showed it to them, knowing it was an embarrassment.

I can't expect to do X hours or work and get X amounts of things done. People say if you graduate from university you're smart enough - but not if you're spent a lot of time and effort. That's also why people who party, drink, and have fun at university are always more successful than those they don't. Partially because of the social factor, but also because they're smart enough to graduate without spending too much time studying. I hate the saying "study smart not hard", it's another way of saying only those BORN intelligence and brain cells can become successful.

It's hard to motivate myself because of the nature of the work is stressful - spending 10 hours of effort is wasted when you know someone else can do it in 1 hour and flaunt themselves by socializing, clubbing, etc. Yet at the end I'm the one who gets depression, is out of work, and is universally considered a lazy deadbeat - because I'M TOO FUCKING DUMB! It's hard to change fields now. I don't have confidence that it'll change anything because I'll be too dumb for that too. I don't have to do something academic/technical but with my lack of social skills and anxiety I think my options are limited.
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Old 12-10-10, 05:19 AM   #2
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I've never understood the phenomenon of people who enjoy their youth to the fullest, then are able to dust themselves off and get good jobs afterwards. I guess it all happens in college, to the people who buy into the world's bullshit. I always feel like such a loser for having never finished school but I'm constantly reminded why I hated it so much. Maybe I'm just too cynical but it's hard not to have doubts about an instituion that boasts about being one big orgy for a bunch of fucking yuppie freaks.
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Old 12-10-10, 10:48 PM   #3
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Turns out staying up that night was futile, as my former boss won't even look at the work I've done. Turned out I've made things worse by offering to do a project vs. never contacting him, because he now dislikes me for being unemployed, so I likely lost him as a good reference.

This is exactly why I'm afraid of looking for a job. People say I'm excuses and that it's as simple as handing out a resume and "you don't know if you don't try", but look at what happened. I damaged my reputation. Same thing may happen if I applied for paid work. It's a risk for me to even apply.

Now that the past 7 years of my life is toast, just what DO I do?
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Old 12-11-10, 09:06 AM   #4
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Cactus:

I've read your posts for a while, and your clearly really depressed.
I don't think that your intelligence, education, or ability to make friends are really the things that are messing up your life right now. Partly, your problems come from the fact that you really hate yourself. Partly, your looking at the world through the lens of depression, and this... hallucination, is causing you to make bad judgements.

Please seek treatment for your depression. Go see your doctor, and be honest with them. Try pills, therapy, and what ever you think might help. This isn't the dark ages, you have a treatable disease, please treat it.
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Old 12-14-10, 03:03 PM   #5
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I recently graduated a little less than a year ago with a degree in computer science. I went on to try to get a job, handed out resumes, no replies. Saw all my friends get jobs at the same places I put in resumes at. Had employers tell me that I didn't have the right technical sets, whatever that means, because we all went to the same school and had the same experiences. Went back to school to try to get my masters degree flunked out and am now feeling pretty dumb too.
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Old 12-15-10, 09:07 PM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lig View Post
I recently graduated a little less than a year ago with a degree in computer science. I went on to try to get a job, handed out resumes, no replies. Saw all my friends get jobs at the same places I put in resumes at. Had employers tell me that I didn't have the right technical sets, whatever that means, because we all went to the same school and had the same experiences. Went back to school to try to get my masters degree flunked out and am now feeling pretty dumb too.
Thank you for sharing. That was kind of like me. I didn't have friends but I sensed most everyone else could find jobs more easily than me. I think those employers that want certain technical skills expect you to learn it outside of school, by fiddling with stuff yourself. I thought about doing a Master's but I bailed out of doing projects for profs twice so I gave up the possibility.

Good luck with your future.
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Old 12-24-10, 09:12 PM   #7
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It's officially over a year since I had a job.

I walked past a train today. It reminded me of the last time I commuted home.

I think I made an "I've been unemployed for 5 months" thread or something like that when I first came here. Before you know it I'll be here saying "since 2 years ago". I'll spend Christmas "working"/studying but I know it's pointless.

I'm afraid to see my family doctor since my parents can't know about this. Maybe I'll find a doctor myself or go to a psychiatrist directly but I don't know how to go about that.
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Old 12-25-10, 12:23 AM   #8
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Are you sure your parents would have to know?

Your an adult, and I'm guessing he wouldn't tell you if you asked about your dads sexual problems. Not implying your dad has sexual problems. Or suggesting that you ask about them. I think there are some things we are better not knowing.

Canadian medics are supposed to keep your information secret unless:
* A judge orders the information released
* Not releasing the information would be a threat to your health, e.g. if you say "I intend to commit suicide in the next day", they are likely to contact the police and confine you for a couple of weeks.
* You request the information to be released, e.g. transfer or records to a specialist.

You should be fine talking honestly to your current doctor, and I worry that "I need to find another medic" sounds like the kind of excuse I'd come up with to stop myself doing something. I'd come up with a plan to find one, then never do it.

You should be ok talking honestly about what's going on. As I understand it, you are ok so long as you keep statements about suicide general and non-immediate.
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