wondering if anyone can help me
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wondering if anyone can help me

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Old 12-15-16, 12:48 PM   #1
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Their is something that has bothered me to my core since i was probably in my late teens and early 20's. I'm not an outcast or somebody who is incapable of blending in and being friendly with people. I have had close friends and one close relative but here's the thing that absolutely destroys me.

If I'm not the one maintaining a relationship, meaning I call or text or invite someone to go somewhere. The relationship will die. People I really loved and cared about seem so quick forget about me but yet if i was to call one of these people they would be glad to hear from me and probably even say they miss me.

I desperately want to understand this. It makes me feel so low and like i'm just not worth the effort. Has anyone else experienced this? I'm not a jerk and I do my best not to be all depressed around other people. I don't know what to do. I've never posted before so we'll see i guess.
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Old 12-15-16, 02:26 PM   #2
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I have had that kind of experience too. I don't have an answer either, except that if people are too busy or disinterested to really be your friend, maybe you don't need to spend the energy on it. Sometimes they don't realize that is what you want them to do, other times they just aren't as good of people/friends as you want them to be. I had that experience with family and friends also. It was also a big thing for me and hurt my feelings. I still don't understand why I cared and they didn't really care except to say that sometimes no matter how much we wish our fellow kinsmen and old friends cared- they don't. Accepting it and letting the distance grow until I felt like I wanted to say hello to them was the best thing I could do in the end. I had to make friendships with people outside of them who cared more. Real care is hard to find. I'm not saying that in a jaded manner, only because after my family moved off in their own directions I had to realize that sometimes our lives are on a different path or our worlds don't look the same no matter what we might have shared as children.

I'd offer that you should try not to let it get you down- it's just the cruel world being what it is.
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Old 12-15-16, 02:54 PM   #3
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Well, its funny you say that because that's exactly what i have done. I've let go of alot of people but know I'm basically alone. I have one friend that i would consider a close friend but we only really connect on certain levels but i'm grateful to have him as friend. I have not spoken to my parents in idk how long because i stuck up for my sister and told them until they fix things with her i could not in good conscious speak to them. After i did that i went to visit my sister, this was like a year later and I'm look at all these pictures on her walls of family and friends. Not one picture of me. I called her out on it and she made it worse by going and getting a box of pictures to show me she did have pictures of me. Her excuse was that we didn't always get along. Which is true but I told her that I had pictures of her and her family on my walls. Me being alone is self induced. I don't go out much but I'm not 18 anymore, most people already have friends or their married and have there own lives. I don't know the thing with my sister broke me in a way i can't explain. Then my cousin whose always been like a brother to me kinda pushed me the rest of the way over the cliff. I bowl in tournaments occasionally and i invited him to come to reno 2 or 3 times but he had something with his kids to do but the last time he had promised me that he was going to come. At the last minute he flaked saying he couldn't afford the trip but still had his blow out annual party at his house like 2 or 3 months later. This in and of itself is not that horrible but when we were young i drove to his house to visit at least 1 or 2 times a year because i love him and have fun just hanging out with him. it was about a 2.5 or 3 hour trip. do you know how many times he came to visit me....zero. do you know how many times he was in the area for other reasons but couldn't be bothered to stop on his way home....at least 5 or 6 times. My parents didn't even try to talk to me after I sent them the letter. Why am I so easily dismissed. I could have written them off along time ago but I didn't. have you ever been to therapy? I gotta do something cuz I can't live like this forever. I see myself kind of like those mints they leave on the pillow or are in those jars at restaurants sometimes. When you see it you go oh boy mints and you enjoy the hell out of them but you would never go somewhere and actually buy them
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Old 12-16-16, 01:37 AM   #4
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Wow, Mike, that's a hard reality to swallow down. I moved a lot as a kid and that didn't leave me with much of a childhood social group. As an adult I moved too much as well, but sometimes I've managed friendships when I stayed a while. I had a very solitary life in terms of real friendships for about 10 years. It hurt at first when I chose to stop running after interactions with people who did not reciprocate like my family, but they were never close to begin with. Until I met my husband, I even went to the extent of making meals for strangers sometimes for the holidays, just to not feel so alone. I met people where ever they were at (grocery store, coffee house, exercise trails, etc), tried to make social circles out of strangers and travelers like myself. Sometimes they were good people, sometimes not so good. Some friendships lasted a while. A few still are there in the sense of an occasional phone call, but most were just for that moment. So far that's what life has taught me- people mostly come and go, but you'll eventually settle in with a few good keepers. Those people are treasures.

Have you ever directly asked your folks about why they don't seem to value you the way you need? I found it was important for me to tell my Mom in particular. Sometimes people think that you must not want their interaction when you stop reaching out. Somehow they miss the part where they were supposed to reach back. It helped to open the topic up in a caring way with my Mom, and she's been good about trying to not forget about me over the years. Some people just don't care but some people are happy to be there if you can help them understand what YOU need.

I've gone to therapy before and often thought the effort wasn't that useful in college until I got in with the Family Services therapists here. I don't know if all towns offer the services, but these are highly trained (master's degree level therapists) people who have been very good at working with me and offering insight into behavioral/choice issues for my husband and I. I've been really thankful for the service and support it has been.

You may be a personality that is easy for others to take for granted but you are worth more then that. Nobody is a mint.
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Old 12-16-16, 07:51 AM   #5
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thank you for sharing your thoughts. I feel better after puking that up sorta speak lol. It's obviously toxic to me. I was going to try and reach out about a year or so ago but I just couldn't do it. I always felt like I was the glue holding the family together and it turns out my feeling that was justified. It's sad cuz my parents are getting up there in age so I feel like there is a clock on this. My family is one that on the surface seems fine but is seriously dysfunctional. I don't know what good reaching out would do but it might be good for me to just write them each a letter and just purge myself of everything and what ever happens happens. At least I won't have to suffer the i shoulda coulda woulda if one or both dies. You could not have said it any better either. It's been a hard reality to swallow. And I do have a personality people do take advantage of. Sometimes i really think that the friends I've had over the years kept me around because their life would seem superior in comparison to mine and I amused them. All i need to do is find a wife like you found a husband. Just need one person who has my back, understands me and loves me. That's it, just one person. Everything I do from this point needs to be in pursuit of that and if i can't find anyone then I can at least know that i tried. Thank you for listening to me you are a sweetheart :)
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Old 12-16-16, 01:38 PM   #6
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I was just reading some of your posts/blogs and wanted to congratulate you on your new job. That's awesome! I really like the way you write and express yourself. Sounds like you just need to exercise some patience grasshopper :) You will settle in and get acclimated. I've always been of the opinion that it takes about a year to truly get locked in somewhere with regards to the people and the job. I've had my heart broke by work friends before. People I thought I would remain friends with but was left cold. But usually there is always one person that will stick for awhile at least.

I haven't had too many online relationships but they can be tricky. What's good on paper or online does not always translate when your face to face. I'm able to express myself in writing more than I can verbally, unless I'm really worked up or passionate about what I'm talking about. It"s just plain easier to get out a thought on paper without someone interrupting, rolling their eyes (or some other facial expression) or turning away to focus on something else (so rude lol) I don't know how you work different shifts like that. Very impressive. People at my work have to switch shifts periodically, I'm just glad I'm not one of them. Did that dude from WV ever write you? I did medical billing for years but now I work at a brewery...go figure. Anyway, just wanted to say congrats. So weird don't know you from adam but i'm genuinely happy for you. BTW, you had me "assuage" :)
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Old 12-17-16, 09:04 AM   #7
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Yes, the guy from WV wrote and we keep in touch. It is nice to have friendships with others, even if you are long distance. I've learned to cherish my long-distance relationships because often those are the ones that have stayed strong while others faded away. I'm sometimes afraid that if something terrible happened to one of those people, nobody would think to notify me and it would take a lot of digging to find out if they had passed from life or were in a hospital. I try not to live in fear because of something that could happen.

I looked for where I wrote the word assuage as it applies to you and I can't find it in the thread or in others. I remember writing it, though. Sometimes I think what I write gets edited and I don't get told, so I'm sorry if I can't help clarify my word usage. I used it in terms of making pain you feel less severe, easing the anguish of being taken for granted. It's a great word but somehow I don't see it now.

TTL is a good place. I hope you find what you are looking for here and it can give you some balance for your physical life's challenges.

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Old 12-19-16, 11:34 AM   #8
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you didn't use the word "assuage" in regards to me. It was in one of your posts just musing on how you were feeling and what was on your mind that day. could not fall asleep last night to save my life. workin on zero sleep today and I'm a zombie lol
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Old 12-19-16, 06:06 PM   #9
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Oh! LOL My goodness, let me not cast aspersions on the people moderating this site! I was really scratching my head about it.

Yah, life's been a zoo here with my loss of work. They called today to tell me I have to get with the neurologist and have him send them 'anything he can' to help them decide what to do. That translates to 'if I'm a good risk for the company to keep,' I suspect. There's no humanity at all in the business, just some kind of equation about if you are a good working tool or a broken tool. You have to be employed for something like 30 years there to be treated any differently. Even then I'm not sure if it's a better treatment or if you just understand the ropes and have tenure. That's why it's a union job. The job mostly treats you like dirt and the union saves your butt if they do it too much.
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Old 12-20-16, 07:37 AM   #10
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loss of work? what happened? don't get me started on healthcare lol. I would have replied to your blog but I did not see a way to do so. Not surprised I confused you on that one. Is there a bigger difference between care givers and corporate vampires? Good grief
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