my entire life has been controlled by depression. every now and then, ill think ive beaten it and its over and gone, but the reality is, my depression was just laying inwait. ive spent my entire life in a shell that i built, believing it was me fighting and winning the war against my depression, but looking back at my past, depression had control over me the entire time. but threw out my life, ive heard from everyone that it wil get better eventually, that everything ends, that itll pass, that its like a broken leg, you need to give it time to mend. well ive given it time, 22 years worth, and ive gone from misery, to thinking to im happy and everythings good, to even more misery. and as ive said, its been this way with me my entire life. bc of that, i no how to handle it. i no how to hide it from everyone, i no how to change the sad look in my eyes, my facial expressions, my tone of voice, everything. and bc of that, i have different personalities. when im at home, im more relaxed and my symptoms of depression come threw, but when im out in public, im a perfectly hapy 22 year old, and when im at work, i get it out of my mind completely. but lately, i cant do that, bc not only have i lost control of my depression and my emotional stand point, but also of my physical health.
like i said, im 22 years old, and i have a blood clot, factor 5 lieden (a disorder where my blood thickens), my blood thinners are not working, my anti-depressants start working and then stop, and then start again, my perdio has been off, i have circilatory problems, carpal tunnel, a hormal imbalance, and now i have 2 cysts on my ovaries. i have 6 different doctors, next week ill have 7 total. and the issue that im having (bc ive gone completely numb to all of this) is when exactly will it get better? ive survived depression time and tiem again, battled suicidal urges, attempted suicide more then once, and i did it all under the idea that eventually, itll get better. but its not getting better. its getting worse. and im tired of getting my mind off it, im tired of trying to live with it, bc no matter what im stuck here, just waiting for the chance to make things better. but everything i do, every step i take, and has always done this, seems to push me back further. and i think im going forward, but im not. i always go backwards. and im tired of thinking things will get better, im tired of hearing that they well eventually, im tired of hearing "well atleast you no about your health issues now". im 22 years old and i cant do 80% of the things other ppl my age are doing bc of my health issues. my dreams and future career plans are gone out the window, my life has always held me down at the bottom. im at that point where ppl usually say, theres no where to go but up, but wat do you do when life doesnt let you start??? i just dont no how much longer i can live down here at the bottom......

Im so sorryto hear about how your feeling and i hope it will all get better.. what you really need is a councelor they will do mericales to help you throug your problems. You can spill your guts to them and theywill give you the best response they can give for the situation. They will help you greatly and soon your depression will get better i promise the councelor ight not do it but taking all that burden off your shoulderss will do it.... or you can keep a journal. That helped me and so did this website and my councelor. Maybe allthree for you will make you healthier too. Im really worried about your mantal health and i want to help. You can inbox e and i will always replay but i wont make you inbox me you can do it if you wanna ohkaii hun thingswill get better and the lightwill shine on you and you will look like gold. The fight and stuggle is tough and im still going through it but its not as heavy as it used to be but it will all be worth it i promise

im seeing a counaselor for the 3rd time in my life. oive been seeing her for over a year now and ive gone from bad to worse. so i went on antidepressants, and im still getting worse. the issue is i wish my mother had taken me to see a counselor when i was younger when i really truly needed it. but she refused, went against wat all the doctors were saying and wat i was begging for and instead of helping her 5 year old daugheter with depression, she punished me for it. all thrapy does it take some of the worries off my sbhoulders as i vent about them, but i dont need to vent, i need to get better, and im not getting better.