The truth is, I can't take care of myself.
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The truth is, I can't take care of myself.

This is a discussion on The truth is, I can't take care of myself. within the Depression forums, part of the Depression Forums category; I'm stuck. I lag behind everything. With all my pseudo philosophical thoughts, I desperately try to find some sort of ...

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Old 03-26-11, 02:17 PM   #1
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Default The truth is, I can't take care of myself.

I'm stuck. I lag behind everything. With all my pseudo philosophical thoughts, I desperately try to find some sort of spiritual answer that would give me a sense. That is how I spend most of my time, how I waste my life time. My life experience is a joke. And I don't know how to change this. After all I even wonder if change would pay off at all...I can't erase my almost twenty years of past. It shouldn't surprise me that people treat me like I was very naive. I let myself being treated like that. Recently I even think, if I would be married already and settled, I would have my peace of mind. I would appear to be happy then, so that I could focus on bothering about my own things instead of what other people think. Of course I don't seriously want to be married already..but I want to say that I just wish I was an independent woman. I just don't know how to find the right way and be ok (I don't even dare to call it happy.). I don't have anything in life I would like to have. That sounds ungrateful, I do am grateful for many things but I mean that I'm not the person I want to be. I dislike the way I am, my spirit my looks, the way I act...just me as a being. I'm too insecure so that I don't find enough motivation to really go for my life. And so, all my dreams fade away. Something has to happen in my twentys, that's for sure, otherwise I'm going to end horrible and wasteful. I wish I had more nice memories... I wish I wasn't that alone. I wonder if I will ever accept things but at the same time develop. I wonder if I will ever stop posting about the same stuff. By now I should have been better...but I'm not.
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Old 03-26-11, 02:44 PM   #2
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Yet again, I notice similarities in the way you and I think. I spend my time locked inside of my head trying to figure everything out. I thought myself into this mess, why canít I think my way out. I often wonder what my life will equal up to in the end. I see the successes of people around me and just donít have enough belief in myself to think I could be one of them. I lack the self esteem to reach the level of normalcy I so desperately crave. Iíve recently started therapy and one of the things my therapist told me is that I seem to fear imperfection. Itís true. But of course, perfection is an impossible goal and all Iíve done is set myself up to fall short, making failure inevitable. My therapist also said that if he had one wish, it would be that he could teach people what acceptance really is and how to achieve it. We both seem to have these memories, this past that haunts us, and we canít get passed it. (At least thatís the vibe I get from your posts, or maybe Iím just trying to make you seem too much like myself. After all, I donĎt know your full story.) A good way to describe what I am saying is something I wrote about to myself recently. I wrote about how I feel like my childhood has been stolen from me. I wasted those years of my life on sadness and loneliness. I missed out on a necessary part of my development and now I just canít figure out how to function without it. But I guess what my therapist is saying is that I need to accept what has happened to me. I have been dealt a shitty hand, yes, but if I never accept that it happened that way and just continue to dwell on how unfair it is, Iíll never truly move on. This pain will ALWAYS be with me, I donít doubt that. But I need to learn how to not let that pain rule my life. To put it inside a box in the back of my mind. But of course, thatís easier said than done. Iíll probably always struggle with this. And I donít really know why I responded to your post, especially sense Iím not really telling you anything useful. Just giving you more stuff to think about I guess. But I related so well to what you were saying (even the marriage thing, which I found interesting) and wanted to share my thought processes through similar feelings. I really hope you find some ounce of contentment in this world!!! I really really do!

(Sorry that I always seem to ramble on about myself in my responses to your threads.)
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Old 03-27-11, 09:48 AM   #3
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You don't need to feel sorry at all. You don't ramble. I'm very very thankful that you shared this. Itís true, we seem to have similar ways of thinking. You described everything so well and I feel the same. It seems that you are able to make me understand some things. For example people always say you gotta accept but I never really got what it means, it might be that you helped me realising it. Still there doesnít seem to be a way out of this little corner in my head. Exactly, I always try to figure everything out. Perfection is impossible but Iím not even on the lowest level of normalcy or what normalcy is to me. It's like I'm too imperfect. I fear that my future will be like my past, no matter what Iím trying to do. I will never be like other people and really be in life. I donít own the self-esteem to get there. I wasted my childhood and Iím angry I did. And so far, it doesnít seem like Iím able not to waste the rest of my life. Not in case I keep going on like this. I feel like I was raised completely wrong. Even if it would be possible to catch some things up, I already feel so retarded, I wouldn't like now learning things that are part of normal people's development when they are children. I'd rather want to live with it, accept the pain but I still didn't manage to. And no matter how much I could blame my environment for my past, my parents or whoever, I always end up realising that mainly I screwed it up, already as a child. That is where I totally lose all my motivation, when I come to the conclusion that I myself am the problem. Then itís so not worth to move on and really live. I fear that Iím worse than other people. But your advice is good. I had the idea, in certain moments where I need to do something, to put all my anxiety in a box in my head . I didnít come up with that I could do it with all my haunting thoughts. I know I need to overcome my past and maybe try to see life from another point of view, with my attitude I wonít get anywhere. But I donít know how to influence my thoughts in that way to move on. I canít trust myself because I screwed it so up. I wonít break through, I wonít move on. I will never let myself liveÖ Why could I suddenly make it when I never could it before..Yes, I am very afraid of where this is going to lead. My life is a vicious circleÖMaybe someday our lives will reach a point where we are able to fully let go of all these things. Until then, we need to have our thoughts under control..You told me useful and good stuff to think about that might give me a bit clarity. I thank you a lot!!! You are really sweet. All the best with your therapy and for your whole life. Good luck with everything.
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