toxic parents, bad people? Everything is my fault
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toxic parents, bad people? Everything is my fault

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Old 04-21-09, 12:45 PM   #1
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Default toxic parents, bad people? Everything is my fault

Does anyone have experience with toxic parents/significant others?

Can anyone tell me what is going on? My "loved ones" on one hand keep saying "we love you, all we want to do is help you, everything we do is for your own good"

But on the other hand, every time after I conversation about them, I feel terrible. I get a negative vibe from them, when they say bad things about me, they say that they are "just being honest". Some of the hurtful things they say, when I bring it up later and want to tell them it was hurtful, they flat out deny ever saying it, sometimes telling me to my face that I must be lying or making it up, or that I am being ridiculous. In the end, somehow I am to blame for everything, I am to blame for my depression, for being frustrated, for being told I am not good enough. THEY are the loving caring people and I am the one who is ruining everything. That is what they tell me.

It's a lose lose situation. If I believe them, then I'm a liar and am insane and ungrateful. If I believe myself, then the people who are supposed to love me are actually toxic, manipulative, shallow, selfish people, even if they are unintentionally acting that way.

I feel like I'm losing touch with reality. I want to believe in me, because what i KNOW is that the only two years in my life where I was genuinely happy, at a normal weight, and not tired all day, was the two years my mom and my ex boyfriend were kept at a distance. Now I am seriously underweight, unable to eat or sleep again since I have started talking to my mom.

I can't help but believe everything they say. They were the world to me (or I thought they were, maybe they were just very controlling and tried to make me dependent on them).

I feel like someone who says blue is blue, while my mom and ex and the whole world says blue is red. This is enough to make anyone feel crazy. Someone please tell me blue is blue to you too.
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Old 04-21-09, 02:08 PM   #2
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Am I going crazy?? is there something wrong with me??
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Old 04-21-09, 02:46 PM   #3
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I don't think you're crazy at all. And sometimes it's hard to admit that the people we love around us are being 'toxic', but sometimes that is the case though it's not always intentional. Sometimes they think it's in your best interest. But what they tell you what they feel isn't who you are, you are your own person, and the only person who truly understands who you feel and who you are. They can never know you better than yourself.
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Old 04-21-09, 02:47 PM   #4
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without knowing exactly what they are "honestly" saying to you, I would hesitate to say they are being toxic to you or not on purpose.

But! I would say that if they are stressing you out, limit contact with them until you can safely figure out why. It could be that they are taking advantage of your condition, to disempower you. I have no idea. But things like this do happen to people with mental illnesses.

I'd say if you don't have to have contact with them, avoid it. there are much more healthy people for you to be around.

Tell me, are you seeing a therapist? this is a good type of thing to talk about with a therapist, if you have one..... relationships with family can be very hard. there's all the past history that seems to effect EVERYTHING, and even as you try to overcome your past, your family (intentionally or not) can hold you back from getting better. It can be very hard.

You're not crazy, and you're depression is not your fault. It sounds like your circumstances are against you.... which is very unfortunate. Change them if at all possible.
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Old 04-21-09, 04:27 PM   #5
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bellalia

I can identify with your situation exactly. I think what I had to realise was that my family were actually not that good at coping with things either. I found that I expected just too much of them.

I found that they had real big problems in their lives and did not have much capacity left over for me. They put a real big effort into their own struggle with finance, relationships with people at work, relationships with spouses and stuff if they did not get right would cause them a lot of trouble.

My family had the advantage of being in the situation where they have coped with things without getting depressed. I think once you go through depression, your confidence is given a big big knock and will take a long time to get over it. I think often we try to compensate for this lack of confidence in other ways. We try to win the intellectual argument and often do, but lack the confidence or physical ability ( because of depression symptoms) to actually put what we are arguing about into practice in our own lives or to practice what we preach.

Yes, I know about the telephone conversations where, I have actually wrote down exactly what my brother has said word-for word and he just did not believe me when I read them out to him. I have had telephone conversations lasting 6 hours which have been just one long series of insults and verbal abuse from him mixed with a few phrases like "my big project in life is to make you happy" or "we all really care about you". I remember on that ocassion when he completely denied that he had criticised me at all, I said that i would go "ding" every time I heard a criticism of me from him. In the next one minute I went "ding" about 5 times and then the conversation sort of dried up. My brother and I are actually on good terms at the minute. i think he has done a lot of changing, but I also had to do a lot of changing. I had to accept that there was only so much i could expect of him. I had to accept that I actually had many strengths which he did not have and that I should use those strengths for his good and not for just my own good.

regards

Bradley
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Old 04-21-09, 07:19 PM   #6
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Thanks guys, I feel like I'm recovering a little bit of my sanity. Bradley, so good to hear from you. The four hour phone conversation I had with my mom last night (or this morning, it went from 12 am to 4 am), sounds just like the one with your brother, except I wish I could've done the "ding" thing... but it would just have made her mad and defensive. It is inCREDIBLY traumatizing spending the ungodly hours of the night having a four hour long emotional-punchfest with someone close to you. Thank you everyone
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Old 04-21-09, 07:25 PM   #7
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I've spent the better part of 46 years trying to make my mom happy...it isn't going to happen..not anytime soon anyway! I do not think your going crazy! My mom wouldn't know honesty if it slapped her in the face.!
You do what you have to do to feel good about YOU! Your totally worth it and don't let others (even family) keep you from being happy!!
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Old 04-22-09, 01:49 AM   #8
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Hey Bella, yes blue is blue, though there are many shades.....your family are possibly afraid of "depression" and having to admit to themselves that they in some way are responsible for contributing to this illness is too hard for them to accept....Surround yourself with people who will support you not people you are going to make you feel bad.....or use your illness as a weapon against you....I am 51 and have PSTD, I was diagnoses 10 years ago...my father asked me the other night what was wrong...I explained it too him...I kept this from him as I felt he was never interested in my mental health issues......He is quite the traditionalist......men are men, and its the women who a defected.......try not to let your family make you feel guilty....or any other negatives.......If you believe in what you say and do then that is the honesty......true to yourself......and if they are not prepared to accept this, well that is their choice and you cant change this........stay strong (((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))) mamabear
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Old 04-22-09, 02:29 PM   #9
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Bellalia, I know precisely how you feel. It's all because they perhaps do not have your condition and cannot understand, and perhaps because some of them are truly toxic. My mother was and is, my sister is distant (cannot handle me or most people for that matter) and others think I am just into victimization and blue is red, not blue. I UNDERSTAND. A lot of them, my people and your people, are possibly afraid, too because they are in denial about their own fears or conditions. They love you so they want you to stop denying your pain, or to denounce it, or to just GET OVER IT. It is easy for them to say because they are either in denial or they are free from this sort of thinking we have and are therefore lucky beyond their own ability to recognize it. I feel distant from everyone that does not have my condition. This is killing me. So, you have my empathy!
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Old 04-22-09, 11:49 PM   #10
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Thanks again everyone
The more people i hear from who have been through the same thing, the more hope I have
Before I found this forum, absolutely no one in my entire life seemed to understand what was happening.
Kelleyingeorgia, so glad to hear from, you've given me a lot of hope too. I hope you are on your way to a better life also, and that things are going well with you.
I'm so relieved to have finally found some kindred spirits and understanding, because before there was only hostility, denial, frustration, blank stares, rejection, and pain if I ever stopped hiding what I felt and thought about my past and my depression.
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