Starting Over at 49
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Starting Over at 49

This is a discussion on Starting Over at 49 within the Depression forums, part of the Depression Forums category; Hi TTL, I'm in the middle of some challenging changes right now. 1) My marriage of 23 years is coming ...

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Old 06-09-13, 06:35 PM   #1
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Default Starting Over at 49

I'm in the middle of some challenging changes right now.
1) My marriage of 23 years is coming to an end. My wife & I are starting mediation.
2) My days of hands-on, active parenting are coming to an end. My youngest is 17, and the other two are in University.
3) I was negatively impacted by a job restructuring. I've worked at a job for 10 years, and the changed resulted in my taking a different job at an 18% paycut.
4) I'm becoming more isolated and finding less joy in everyday things. I have to push myself to feign passion for work, where before it was a bit easier.

Although I am the artist of my own life's painting, i'm confused about why these things are happening to me. My marriage just kind of ended with a whimper, not a bang. The work situation really threw me off, because i've gotten a lot of training recently. And the kids, well, they grow up.
16 years ago, when i was extremely busy as a young dad, i'd think about being 50. I'd think "The youngest will be 18 and going to college, and I'll still be young and possibly change careers, start something new."
But that confident person is no longer. I'm 49 now, not 31. My body is different, and my idealism is a lot different too. We have a terrible global economic situation that is stressing 99% of us. The world i imagined years ago is a different place. And the person i imagined years ago doesn't exist anymore; he's a new creature. One big problem is that i can't seem to stay focused on tasks very long. My mind just naturally drifts to my emotions, instead of staying focused on work. And i don't really have any buddies to hang out with. These friendships evaporated away over the past 10 years, even when I tried to maintain them. For whatever reason, I'm sensing people aren't too thrilled to hang with me.

Some of the actions i'm struggling with taking are:
1) Do i see a psychiatrist for help with my down moods and lack of motivation?
2) How do I transition from a person who was married for 23 years, and with the same person for 26 years?
3) Do I look for a new job or deal with the different position at my current company?
4) How do find people to meet up with?

ALL my solid rocks (family/wife/job) are now in flux. And i'm not rallying to the occasion. I'm caught in whirlpools of low motivation.

Ideas and support appreciated.
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Old 06-10-13, 08:47 AM   #2
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I could try helping with ideas:

1: Yes, of course. At the least a talk/behavioural therapist.
2: You could attempt to reconnoitre the relationship, potentially. Twenty-six years is quite some time. If that isn't viable, then there are online dating sites.
3: You should attempt for a raise or a transfer to an alternative position first to test the water. Then if the position isn't salvageable, perhaps look for new employment.
4: I've heard is a fair site. But also if you live in the city or town then you will have more readily available options.
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Old 06-10-13, 11:04 PM   #3
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Another approach is going into a different world altogether. Move to new home at a new place, new company. When we're still there, it's difficult to restart because of all the memories.

The move maybe temporary....while you're in the healing process, and come back if you want to, or maybe it's a permanent move.

Job wise, maybe we hv to live slightly less financially and work things out to the better. It's easier (hopefully) when we're stronger.

Easy said than done, but it is possible.

Take care.

Last edited by Dania; 06-10-13 at 11:08 PM.
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Old 06-27-13, 05:52 PM   #4
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I feel for what your saying. I'm 44 years old and have to make some changes in my life also. I've come across the same conclusions at 44 years old. I'm alittle lost myself. I'm not what I use to be. I'm not where I want to be at in my life. Not happy with the way my life is going. I was more motivated and more daring when I was younger took more chances.
Not the same anymore.

I think what you need more is a psychologist, I think they deal more with feelings and emotions. I've been to a psychiatrist and he helped me figure who I am more and why I do the things I do. It was one of the best things I've done but I wanted and needed more and I think a psychologist might do me better.

Transition to single life. Yeah, I had to do that too. After a 9 year relationship but it was hard as hell to do. It takes time to adjust too. Maybe get your kids to come and visit too. Try to surround yourself with other people and family. It will help so much more. If you have supportive people around you. A week after my break up I took a vacation by myself to the carribean. It was good for me to have a break. I met some other people there and had a nice time and I have never forgotten that one week and it was quite empowering that I did it on my own.

Do you like your current job? Even though you have a pay cut?

IDK, where to meet friends. It's hard for me. But it's important to have friends around. They can be life savers.

Hope this helps. I wish you the best!
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Old 07-13-13, 04:46 PM   #5
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Thanks for your thoughtful replies. You addressed a lot of key issues.
So, it's been 5 weeks since i wrote that. My mood is the same, i'm no different than when i wrote that. I've read a lot more stuff since then, but the dark dark feelings stay with me. The future looks nothing but bleak to me.
The reason for this is the the things that most people seem to find pleasurable, i find tolerable. And my Big Life Project was to create a family. For whatever reasons, i thought if i was in a family, my daily struggles wouldn't weigh me down emotionally. My core issue is a deep loneliness, and i worked to solve that.
But now, that big life project is at an end. The kids are thriving, and they will be gone soon. That would be OK, if it were the only problem.
But now, with the ending of my marriage, the decimation of my life savings, and the loss of status at work (and with it a higher probability of future layoff) makes me question the point of future struggles.
The question is: Will fighting through these humiliating, mundane issues do anything but allow me to suffer longer? The work situation is very tense, because there is a lot of competition around my technology focused job. I chose a career that allowed me to grow and thrive for 25+ years. But the problem i ignored was "what happens when you turn 50"? The solutions to that answer were complicated and high risk. And since the world has been risky for most of the years we've been working, i felt the safest course was to take the low-risk option and hope that the future brought change.
I have one regret with disappearing completely: And that is the hurt it brings on my family. I have close relationships with my kids and my siblings. And i hate the thought of the pain my disappearance would cause them.
But at the same time, none of them are able to save me from the multiple humilations and frustrations of the future. I really wouldn't be so despondent if i had good stable work and a family to enjoy it with. But that's not the case. My family is scattered across the country, and our primary contact is phone & email. What about the other hours in the day?

There is no doubt in my head that my happiest days are behind. (And to be honest, my happiest days weren't that happy. They never brought deep contentment.)
The future looks unstable, humiliating and terrifying, only broken by short bursts of conversations from distant loved ones. My only remnant holding me is the problem of how i can reduce the pain my disappearance will bring to my loved ones.
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