Hello. I hope everyone is ok. I guess I'm writing this to introduce myself. I'm a 27 year old male, and have been battling depression and suicidal thoughts for quite some time now. I've been in other forums and therapy and all that good stuff, and haven't made much progress it seems. But, enough of about that, let's get down to it, shall we?
As of late, I've been a completely miserable person, and have been edging closer and closer to what seems like a complete breakdown. Just recently was broken up with because of my bad attitude and insecurities, and am losing basically what "friends" I have left.
I'm 27, still live at home, and have been pathetically broke these past few months. I have very minimal employment, and am seeking more, but not having much luck. I have to borrow money that I know I can't pay back to pay bills and other stuff, and I feel worthless. Lately I keep tossing around the idea of completely alienating myself, driving my car somewhere, and letting someone discover my remains. I've tried selling my valuables, but haven't had any luck with that. I feel mine, as well as my family's lives would all benefit from my departure. From both their house and existence in general.
I'm sick of waking up everyday miserable I even awoke, and I have no one and nothing. I realized I wasted my entire life doing nothing, and need to realize there is nothing here for me.

It actually doesn't matter at all. I'm not deserving of love, happiness, friendship, success or even this life I'm given. There's a reason I'm completely alone. I'm not a good person and I need to accept this. People are impulsive and crazy and people deserve better than to be left with me. I shouldn't have come here.

Whooah, lots of self judgements!!! I'm sorry you feel so miserable. I know it is easy to feel bad when you don't have much going right in your life. Are you living somewhere that there is much work to be had? In spite of what the media likes to say, there's not much for work in some parts of this country and probably in the world. Can you go somewhere that has better opportunity if you don't have it there?

What do you do for fun? Sometimes being sure you have a creative thing you do that lifts you up is important.

Welcome to the forum!

Yes, I'm very critical of myself. I've always been my own worst critic and feel like I will always keep myself from happiness. I live in Peensylvania, and the only job experience I have is basically kitchen/ restaurant experience, but it's shitty. I've done everything from bus tables to cook to wash dishes. And gotten fired from mostly everywhere. Which isn't good. I also have been smoking hash oil for years now, and feel like it will take ages for me to get clean, so I'm not sure if cleansing kits will help either. That's a shitty reality I keep facing, that makes me feel very Immature that I even have to deal with it. I just got back from an interview earlier, and I think it good,but they drug test so I know autromtically to keep looking. I also just lost my phone today. And my girlfriend broke up with me Sunday. I'm trying my best to not lose my cool, but it's growing harder and harder. I absolutely hate myself and the sitatuion I've put myself in. I'm everything I hate in people. Again with the self hate but I don't know how to stop it.

To actually answer your questions :/ no I don't really have the money or resources to move. My now ex lived a couple hours away from me,and I was hoping to get a job there and get a place with her, but obviously that's not happening now. I live with my parents,and have been paying rent for almost 10 years now, but haven't been able to afford it lately, and actually had to borrow hundreds more dollars to get new tires on my car for inspection, and other Expenses. I feel worthless because of it. I should be grateful I have people that are willing to help me, but instead I have destroyed myself for almost 3 weeks now. I feel sick everyday when I wake up.
To get back on track.
I play bass for fun, and have been playing for 15 years now. Upon realizing I've been playing for this long, I feel I'm an inadequate player for how long I've been playing. It makes me feel more sad than anything most days. Like I could've been something on it if I would've gave a fuck about myself or my life AT ALL, and applied myself for once. I can barely listen to music that used to inspire me without bursting into tears or nearly crashing my vehicle. I truly need to see someone and get on medicine, but hate therapy and think medicine is bullshit.. But I've taken every other substance under the sun. So I might want to consider doing the ones they tell me for once.

It's easy to critique yourself so, but remember, you're at least trying. Yeah, sure, it might not be turning up results just yet, but at some point, you're going to get whatever it is you are working towards. Have you tried seeking professional help? It's a lot to deal with by yourself. Talking it out with someone that can help you through what you're going through right now would probably be the best option for you.

I tried recently seeing a therapist, and quit going because he wasn't doing anything. I have a doctor appointment coming up and am going to tell them about my depression and ask for medicine and see if they can point me in the direction of someone. I hate going to new places because I'm bad at articulating my problems from the beginning, and assume people know me.

I thought I would be happier after I lost weight, and that was false. I lost almost 100 lbs in about 4-5 months, and I don't physically feel like shit, but I still have the same body image issues, and am now picking up an eating disorder. I try to log everything I eat and try to eat as healthy as I can but my depression and self hate sets in and then I feel like eating less, or not at all. If I didn't smoke, I could probably keep myself from eating anything at all. Happiness isn't in money, or a number on a scale, or the number of people that call you a "friend." I don't know if I'll ever be happy. But I'm starting to wonder if that's even a priority

Good morning,

I just turned 36 last week... and up until that point I was battling chronic depression for over a half of a decade. I lost my first cousin/best friend, shortly after was "volun-forced' out the military at 30 years old with no idea where to go, what to do... picked up a series of bad habits one after the other, My wife cheated in our home... we divorced, and I began spiraling. Rebounded with another women heightened my situation (negatively). I had no job, was struggling, in California... PTSD from my last duty before leaving the military (IRAQ), and my entire family was in Ohio. I fell very hard... suicidal thoughts came pretty often.. the feeling that people would do better without me. When I began to recognize things I was good at, I also became sad by the "what if" theory.

Over half a decade. Then I think I REALLY hit rock bottom, and something snapped. I started waking back up. This was the toughest phase I've ever been through because I had to force myself to face, understand, accept, forgive, then let of things behind me. While you have your family there to help... use the time to be alone (it will be VERY tough), but you really need to listen to, and face yourself man. I'm extremely critical of myself... failure, loss... everything affected me.. pretty much a lack of control (or the perception of)... because control is a theory in it's own as well, which was something else I needed to realize. Give up the crutches.. I stopped smoking, drinking.. and use a forced "no-procrastination" method on all decisions. I took more solo walks, and started evaluating who I really was (my emotions, personality, actions, responses).. keep in mind we evolve daily, we change.. we are today is not who we were yesterday man. You're situation appears tough, but many people have been there... and made it through the phase to continue living an amazing life. You're in a very small period of transition, let me occur naturally, let your emotions out whenever they come.. take the time to be alone and figure yourself out. You need to find comfort and confidence in yourself as an individual again before even thinking about reflecting on the past, or future.

I feel like LIFE put me in that situation for a reason, and I am so happy it happened. I made it through and my perception is so much clearer. You will find a path to start walking forward again but you NEED to tell yourself that path exists in order to began realizing it. If you could stand atop the world and see those who share your pains, your reality would change. I wish I could say more because I cannot stress the gift you can take from this period you are in.. 27 is very young and still at the start of life, this is actually the time you BEGIN to take life seriously and focusing on where and how'd you like to settle, and slowly begin the process to do it. Don't focus on peoples perception of you, only your own, until you gain confidence again. I wish you the best of luck, and hope this made a bit of sense.

I'm rooting for you man, we are all much more powerful when it comes to change than we realize.

- Good morning.

Thank you very much for you encouraging words, RU. All of it makes sense and rings deep. Made me kind of emotional actually, but I'm just an overly emotional person. The hardest part for me is telling myself that path exists, as I'm sure you've found. I guess it will all take time, and I need to learn to be patient.. Something I know nothing of