I feel like I have made so many mistakes in the past that it is now going to rain every single day of the future because I created so many grey clouds whilst I was younger and now they will never clear up. I have ruined my future by being so stupid now.
I will try and start at the beginning but I am scared that it will be all over the place, poorly written and I will look stupid.
I think it all started when I was 12 and went to high school. I went to an exclusive grammar school on an academic scholarship. I didn't fit in there at all because I just wasn't like them and my self esteem took a beating to the point it became non existent. I was such an outcast and was made fun of a lot because of my background which is given away by my name (Serbian father, Hispanic mother) and I hated being alone. So I turned to lying to try and impress these girls into liking me. My mother is a cleaner, so I'd tell them she was a Lawyer, a group of them saw me out one day with my aunt and they asked who she was a day later and I said she was my maid. I pretended I knew famous local athletes/singers. I never intend to hurt people with my lies, I just wanted to make myself more appealing so maybe these girls would see something in me. They had so much money, and I was just a working class girl. It made me become a compulsive liar and it is only now that I have started to try and get over it. It was never designed to hurt people, I just wanted to be accepted. But people figured out I was a liar. No one will ever like me now. I will never be L, the person, I will be L the Liar. Forever, no one will forgive, I will never escape that reputation.
The other thing high school did was make me a hermit. No one wanted to be my friend, so I was convinced I was unworthy, so I became addicted to the internet. I made a blog, joined message boards and met people that way. No one at school thought I was worth their time, but I'd come home and people all over the world had sent me messages. I started to actually feel kind of liked. The internet addiction continued through University because.......I don't know, I was just dumb and stupid. (I also made a lot of posts under my real first name, it is kinda obvious it is me. I was also very bitchy on a lot of these forums to try and build myself up and feel "big". It makes me want to die in embarrassment when I read some of them back now. I get very upset when I can't delete many of the posts entirely as they have been quoted). I made a few enemies on those forums too. I worry they will never "forget" who I am and will one day cause problems in my real life. Some of them got my last name and pictures from Bebo as I was naive. I worry a lot. I am a huge worrier. Worry consumes me. I hate that I can't take that part of my life back & that I put too much information out there to people I didn't actually know. I wish I had real friends. I said I didn't want a 21st birthday party, pretended I wanted the money instead, but the truth was, I had no one to invite and was too embarrassed to tell my parents. I put too much deeply personal information online and people have saved copies of it and told me about it. I can never be famous......not that i want to be, but I have ruined so much by being open with strangers because I was depressed.
But now I really want to start making more friends in "Real Life", but I am worried that is impossible. What if I meet someone and they find all those posts and think I am not the kind of person they want to know? What will a guy do when I eventually have to admit I have a past of lying to people all the time and for most of life between the ages of 15-23, my friends were people in a computer screen I had ever met. I know what he is going to do. Run. Run far far away. It will happen with friends too. What if they hear about those aspects of my past, they won't even want to know me. They will think I am weird and damaged. I can't ever escape the past.
I used to be anorexic. Girls at school said I was fat and had a "Gross Latina Ass", so I stopped eating until I ended up in hospital.
I went to University but my degree is useless. I didn't know what to do with myself, so I studied History, majoring in both modern and medieval history just because I like history. But I can't get a job with that unless I became a teacher. I didn't think of that. And I hate myself for it because I'd hate being a teacher because I don't really enjoy children much. I should have done a proper degree. Now three years after graduating, I asm crippled with my depression and working a miserable job in a clothing store 3 days a week. I am such a horrible failure I want to die. I will never be successful. I threw my life away doing a pointless degree, I am 25 and have no idea that to do with myself and it is so scary and overwhelming.
I am scared of make friends. I am of everything.
I live with my parents, have a shit job, shit life, I have fucked up any chance for the future with the wrong degree, not making friends and. UGH. Ugh. I can't do this?
I fantasize about dying. I could never get through with it but, I fantasize about dying. I wish I wasn't here anymore.