I've lost faith in myself, and instead I have found self-loathing.
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I've lost faith in myself, and instead I have found self-loathing.

This is a discussion on I've lost faith in myself, and instead I have found self-loathing. within the Depression forums, part of the Depression Forums category; First of all, if you are reading this I couldn't be more thankful. I'm really going through one of the ...

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Old 11-07-10, 01:16 PM   #1
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Unhappy I've lost faith in myself, and instead I have found self-loathing.

First of all, if you are reading this I couldn't be more thankful. I'm really going through one of the most saddening and emotionally maddening times of my life, and I really don't know what to do.

If you look at my life from a distance, it would seem nearly perfect to some. In fact, I think I have been given a great life, and that's part of the reason I feel like such a failure. I had a wonderful childhood, but the older I become the more life scares me and makes me feel worthless. Nothing has even happened to cause this, I just seriously hate myself more than I would have ever thought possible.

What's been going on for me recently is:

-I've recently come out and announced my homosexuality to the people I care about. I also have an incredibly large crush on a straight friend of mine who doesn't have feelings for me back, and continues to unintentionally take advantage of me in various ways. I've had feelings for him for about 3 years, starting from when we were in high school. Now I'm in Boston and he's in Philadelphia (we're both in college), but I've been unable to get over my feelings for him. I've confronted him and told him that I have these feelings for him, but he hasn't been able to talk about it that much with me because it makes him uncomfortable. This only adds to my guilt and sadness.

-I've been cutting myself recently. I even checked myself into an emergency room a few weeks ago because I felt that I might kill myself and I wanted to prevent hurting myself in the future. It helped prevent it for a few weeks, but now I've started the habit all over again.

-I'm talking to one psychologist and one psychiatrist, and I see both of them 1 - 2 times a week. I'm constantly switching medications and my health insurance isn't covering it, making me feel guilty that my parents are spending hundreds of dollars when they don't need to.

-I'm in college with great suite mates and classes I should be interested in. However, my lack of self-esteem has made me lose interest in school and has had a bad impact on my grades. This consistently makes me feel bad about myself.

-I'm a Writing for Film and Television major. I love movies, television, music and art in general. However, my depression has convinced me that I no longer am interested in these things, and that I am also horrible at analyzing them. I feel like the hobbies I love are slowly becoming boring, cause anxiety, and don't mean as much to me as they used to.

-Sometimes I really wish I was dead, and I have had many thoughts on suicide. However, I think about how it will affect the people I love and it brings me to an even lower form of depression due to the fact that it will seriously hurt them if I follow through.

If anybody could help me out I would be so incredibly grateful. I'm seriously so petrified of life in general and it's become so hard for me to continue living and moving on. I just want to feel happy again.
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Old 11-07-10, 01:34 PM   #2
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Sounds a bit to me like you are having sort of an identity crisis.

Which is normal for depression. One of the things you'll hear most common with people who are suffering is that they wish they weren't who they were - that they wish they were like everyone else.

Which is a problem, because if you don't like yourself then obviously it becomes difficult to be happy.

Self harm can come about from a variety of causes. The most common seem to be either a self loathing and hence punishing oneself OR when someone is in so much pain they might self harm as a way of expressing that pain.

Adding to all this is the possibility of neurochemical imbalances that could be going on (and hence the need for medications).

But essentially you seem to be at a difficult stage of your journey towards establishing who you really are. If you can complete the journey and be comfortable with yourself (and not always wishing you were someone else) you'll be fine.

It's very difficult even for people without depression to accept themselves - which is why everyone is always trying to be something they aren't.
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Old 11-07-10, 01:36 PM   #3
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Sounds pretty tough, especially with the crush on your friend! To that I am not so sure what to suggest. I am younger than you and a straight girl so I don't have a lot of advice to give on that, but I do know that there is not way you can force away feelings, if anything it makes them worse. I think what you need to do is just allow yourself to be in pain, cry if you need to etc, and eventually your feelings for him will go away, trust I have been there.

Sounds pretty nasty though and if you need to talk to someone pm me and I will be sure to reply when I can! x
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Old 11-07-10, 02:37 PM   #4
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Ah, I feel it is safe to say I know how you feel somewhat.
All of my grades have plummeted; I just have no interest.
I have no interest in much actually, even the things a LOVE to do I'm all blah over.

I can say it will be rocky when it comes to your relationship.
I am also in a bit of a, I guess you could say, forbidden love, for many reasons, and it must be very painful for you.
It's not something that you can be like 'Oh, no, I have decided not to like you anymore... Be gone from my mind you villain!'
There is not much I can say since it is going to be a tough journey for you, but if you need someone to talk to, or to vent to, you have everyone here as well as me if you need it. I'm just a pm / bat signal away.

*insert inspirational music here*
Show this depression whose boss. ;)
Fight and live on!
I give you the best of luck my friend, hugs for you, hugs for all.
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