First of all, if you are reading this I couldn't be more thankful. I'm really going through one of the most saddening and emotionally maddening times of my life, and I really don't know what to do.
If you look at my life from a distance, it would seem nearly perfect to some. In fact, I think I have been given a great life, and that's part of the reason I feel like such a failure. I had a wonderful childhood, but the older I become the more life scares me and makes me feel worthless. Nothing has even happened to cause this, I just seriously hate myself more than I would have ever thought possible.
What's been going on for me recently is:
-I've recently come out and announced my homosexuality to the people I care about. I also have an incredibly large crush on a straight friend of mine who doesn't have feelings for me back, and continues to unintentionally take advantage of me in various ways. I've had feelings for him for about 3 years, starting from when we were in high school. Now I'm in Boston and he's in Philadelphia (we're both in college), but I've been unable to get over my feelings for him. I've confronted him and told him that I have these feelings for him, but he hasn't been able to talk about it that much with me because it makes him uncomfortable. This only adds to my guilt and sadness.
-I've been cutting myself recently. I even checked myself into an emergency room a few weeks ago because I felt that I might kill myself and I wanted to prevent hurting myself in the future. It helped prevent it for a few weeks, but now I've started the habit all over again.
-I'm talking to one psychologist and one psychiatrist, and I see both of them 1 - 2 times a week. I'm constantly switching medications and my health insurance isn't covering it, making me feel guilty that my parents are spending hundreds of dollars when they don't need to.
-I'm in college with great suite mates and classes I should be interested in. However, my lack of self-esteem has made me lose interest in school and has had a bad impact on my grades. This consistently makes me feel bad about myself.
-I'm a Writing for Film and Television major. I love movies, television, music and art in general. However, my depression has convinced me that I no longer am interested in these things, and that I am also horrible at analyzing them. I feel like the hobbies I love are slowly becoming boring, cause anxiety, and don't mean as much to me as they used to.
-Sometimes I really wish I was dead, and I have had many thoughts on suicide. However, I think about how it will affect the people I love and it brings me to an even lower form of depression due to the fact that it will seriously hurt them if I follow through.
If anybody could help me out I would be so incredibly grateful. I'm seriously so petrified of life in general and it's become so hard for me to continue living and moving on. I just want to feel happy again.