Before I begin, I would like to take the opportunity to thank God for letting me find this website. I am really on the verge of breaking down with my insecurities and one more push and I think that I will break (before I found this website). And thank you for the honest opinion and for taking time to read my story.
I am a 22 year old female, Asian, a 1st year medicine student. I am the elder one of the two offspring of my Asian parents, the younger was a boy (age 20).
My father age 56 works abroad.
My mother age 49 retired when I was 7 so as to take care of us.
As far as I can remember, I used to be a happy and family loving kid back when I was in my kindergarten days...
I used to cry when my mom leaves for work.
I used to cry when my dad leaves to go abroad.
Those are the "I used to"s
Then start the period of sibling rivalry.
When I was in grade 1 (7 years old), that was the time that my mother retired from work to take care of us. I do not spend much worrying energy before..but when I was in grade 3...It started.
I started to compare how me and my brother was being treated.
When I was in kinder, my grandparents were the one watching over me making my assignments. Just watching over.
But when my brother was in kinder, my mother is teaching him how to make his assignments.
Same sentiments when he entered his elementary years.
My thoughts of "How come does she help him, when she didn't help me when I was at his age?"
Feelings of jealousy pent up, to the point that I cant help but share my sentiments to my elementary friends, grandparents, tita...yet no one seems to understand, rather no one was able to give me the sense of security.
If you are asking about my father, he was abroad for 10months and rests at home for 3months or so, then leaves again. For the sake of not worrying him, I never spoke a thing about my sentiments.
I knew and I can feel it. My mother favors my younger brother. Even though she denies it, there is no doubt about it.
Wait, my parents, if I describe them..they are not abusive.
They do not mistreat us in whatever way.
In fact, they are what people say "good"
My father and mother provides our needs.
They are good people indeed. My father has long patience, and all that he hopes for is for us to be happy, despite the fact that he works away from us. I respect him a lot.
My mother on the other hand, is an active church member. She welcomes the friends that I bring at home, cooks our meals, do household chores, gives us what we need...
But it is the sense of security...that i can't seem to get.
Back to the story...
When I entered high school, this is the period where i somehow rebel. I lied a lot and i am stealing few amounts of money from their pockets to "treat" my acquaintances.
Worse, i get to the point that i steal from my aunt their belt bag which contains a lot of money to again "treat" my acquaintances - but, I out of guilt, returned it not getting the much much money...And of course, it turned out as a ruckus.
I was confronted my my aunt, my mother and father. I cant look at their disappointed faces.
Took a month before they forgiven me. It was cold war, just no talking.
My aunt opened up about the sibling rivalry, and of course, my mother denied that there should be because she treats us "fairly" she said. But truthfully, there is, in my behalf.
My brother, unlike me, is known to be lazy but not a liar. He doesn't do well in academics, where in I averagely excel but I still feel that what i am having is not enough.
He does well in playing music instruments. Guitar.
And that is the reason why i rejected the thought of playing it. For me not to be compared. For me not to compare and belittle myself from him.
I do not hate my brother, but i do feel inferior to him.
We are fond of watching cartoons, movies, we are fond of bonding time. Actually, he is important to me. All of them is.
I just cant see if they see me as important too, because, i don't feel important to me, myself.
After these 1st year high school incident, it turned me to a "better" person known by the others.
I became more mature as known by others.
I became more patient as known by others.
I became "good" as known by others.
But still, I find it hard to break free from insecurities.
And it gets harder here in medicine school.
Majority are "beauty and brains"
and i feel so left behind.
It is not them secluding me..
It is me who do not want to let them in.
I am afraid of trusting because of the insecurities i pent up in me ever since.
I am afraid to enter a relationship because of my insecurities.
I know there is no one to blame, but me...for being like this.
I am a 55 kilogramer. I feel that i am far too fat. i am just 5'3.
I do not have clear skin. I have pimples. I feel ugly.
I failed some exams. I feel stupid.
I feel incompetent.
I feel pity for myself.
I feel alone.
I have friends, but, they seem to know me as the clown of the group. They confide to me when they have problems because I listen and advices them somehow, because I've been thru a lot too...
Good words come from me...maybe because those are words for myself too..
However..I cannot bring myself to confide to them.
Because they see me as strong.
I do not want to disappoint them.
I do not want to worry them.
Im just feeling lost.
I want to break free, but the chains of insecurities bind me tightly..