I'm too hard on myself, I'm angry, pissed off, I'm tired of this
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I'm too hard on myself, I'm angry, pissed off, I'm tired of this

This is a discussion on I'm too hard on myself, I'm angry, pissed off, I'm tired of this within the Depression forums, part of the Depression Forums category; I'm going to try and keep this as short as possible. I'm feeling really down at the moment because I ...

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Old 06-04-09, 11:51 AM   #1
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Default I'm too hard on myself, I'm angry, pissed off, I'm tired of this

I'm going to try and keep this as short as possible. I'm feeling really down at the moment because I am 27 years old and I haven't done anything in my life, anything. I've wanted to be a writer since I was 12, but I haven't written anything. Every time I star writing something I feel it is too stupid to be written, or that I am too stupid and lack the smarts to pull it off, so I stop it.

I studied architecture, graduated three years ago and I'm trapped in some meager family business doing nothing that fulfills me; I worked in a practice, but I was the only one there (save for the boss, who was always out on "meetings", probably sleeping with the clients' wives) and I had to do a lot of work, with almost no experience. It taxed me, I felt really bad about myself, I had two nervous breakdowns and almost cried one time while I was driving back home.

My girlfriend of 8 years left me for who knows what reasons and I suspect she was cheating on me before the breakup. The bitch wanted to remain a virgin and I respected that, didn't go looking for other women to satisfy my needs and I am a sexless 27 guy.

I had a sparing match yesterday (I train Krav Maga), my very first match in all my life and I got a beating and I felt like a total failure, even though I am well aware I don't have any experience at all.

I studied French and German, then quit because I was too stupid at the time, now I regret it. I feel like I have wasted many years of my life in bullshit. I'm not motivated to do anything at all.

Maybe I am too hard on myself, I don't like anything I do or say. People keep telling me oh how smart I am but I don't see it like that, I just want to quit my life. I'm tired, I hate myself, I don't feel like I'm good at anything, I sometimes wish I hadn't been born at all. My family loves me and think I am some kind of gifted idiot; I was thinking about killing myself, but I know this will shatter my family, specially mom, and I just can't do it with that knowledge, so I am pretty much locked in this no future life of mine.

Sorry for the rant.
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Old 06-04-09, 11:57 AM   #2
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Hi Blueshift...welcome to TTL!

I'm sorry your feeling so poorly atm...have you ever been treated for depression?

There are alot of really nice ppl here and I hope you can get to feeling better!
Keep on, Keepin On Peace Out
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Old 06-04-09, 02:38 PM   #3
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Blueshift, so much of what you said here reflects me so I thought I would pitch in that you are not alone. I'm approaching 19 and feel about the same, only, i KNOW, whatever anyone else says, that I will be much the same come 27, and onwards. I too want only to be a writer, but the motivation and skill just isnt there. People tell me I'm good, at that and art, but it drives me bad because they have no basis, and probably don't read anyway. I'm in the "middle" of something now but it's crap, not started, and wil never get anywehere. I work in a supermarket where most people my age work to "fill the gap" but I will be there til I die, provided i dont lose the job first, which i have come close to and still am. I want nothing more than to end my lfie. All i have are music concerts. and only a few bands at that. This morning i failed to get certain tickets in a presale and despite knowing theres a second chance tomorrow, all i could think was that even if i did get them, i just dont want to be here. knowing the only important things in your life will fade or burn out, or aren't even enough, doesn't do much good. I fear losing my only remaining family, but i think i'm sort of hoping that some good will come of it in the long run, in that i may then be free to find the courage to end it. Pills whatever. But while they are a around i couldnt do it to them. I live i do things wrong, i die that would be wrong. Win Win eh. People say i'm too hard on myself too.

So enough of why i felt drawn to reply. Call me a hypocrite, and pathetic because i have no answers for myself... but IF you can find it in you, try the writing even if you think it's crap. That's not 100% certain, and think of the stuff out there. Half is great and half is crap. People seem to like a bit of both... certain people. You might be suprised. someone once said, write anything and everything. Get the bad stuff out and you will get to the good stuff. I'm still trying this though. It's a good feeling to write anything, however naff. Just to get you going.

Can't suggest anything about the work though. I let down the first person to ever believe in me by not ggoing to university. Why? There wasn't and isn't anything i want. The ony things i do want i either fail to get, or get but they arent enough.

Sorry for not being much help but I hope you find your way. This is an all right community, good luck and take care.

(P.S - sorry for spelling, punctuation and suchlike... i can't be bothered to hit backspace everytime i make a mistake. can't do it in real life, beginning to lose the will to use it on the computer... woot.)
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Old 06-05-09, 07:00 AM   #4
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I like to write, and read...if you wanna share I can give you tips. If you want a harsh critic...I can be a bitch too lol, but seriously maybe you guys need to take something constructive from the things you are bashing yourselves down about?

I'm 24, I'm in a job where no one knows my field and my boss is in meetings all the time and I work totally alone. The only time I get help is when i submit stuff ot my bosses and they criticize everything, tell me its crap. I feel bad and try harder, then i get criticism for being inefficient with time, disorganized, not scheduled etc. I'm 24!!!! This is my first job and I have not finished my degree, yet this is what I get and what the hell exactly do they expect?! Sometimes its their fault for not knowing what the hell they are talking about even and they don't listen to me!!! I feel like a failure day in and out...but the only difference is I realized now

1. They don't necessarily expect anything more, maybe the cirticism is just constructive advice...and the being scheduled and organized just common sense in the workplace and things I need to learn.

- So now I try changing my prespective cause everytime i speak to anyone about it I hear that it cannot be expected of me that I do anymore than this with the knowledge i have. So I need to not beat myself up but just take the constructive criticism as learning points.

- It can be expected that I be on time and organized. The reason I am not either is cause i'm mostly depressed and then in the pits about being a fialure and that gets in the way of things...so now I try not ot be a failure in my mind by accepting that nothing more can be expected of me PERIOD no matter what I tell myself...secondly, I try being shceduled and organized cause these are lessons i will need even if I lose this job...the failures in my tasks are simply learning curve issues i can figure out later, but being late and unreliable no body will hire me ever again so its important.

I also try not to depress myself by beating myself up over this though...if I lose this job, I will make the effort with the next one and keep doing that till I get both my skills and my habits to standard and succeed. But until I give up I cannot be labeled a failure, cause I am still going, changing etc.

Anyway, 19, 27 and 24 are not that old...we still have at least 50 years...I think any job would bore me to death in 50 years so I'd rather just learn to do what i love well in that time. I have decided recently that since I too like to write, but also i like art and such, I will try to get into those endeavours and see how far i get and not fear failure or kill myself over feeling like a failure.

I think we can all do that. I think we can SUCK at first and it is forgivable. I read a piece of work Shakespeare wrote in grade ten in my grade ten English class, it was a sonnet they say but it was pure SHIT. We thought it was written by another lower grade or something, but my teacher laughed and showed us the author after...it was pure shit by shakespeare...go figure. I guess no one is born a genius.

I thought I can't draw and I had an art teacher who patiently explained how to follow lines and me not being patient its hard to learn THAT...but for one assignemnt i did and I did well. I was SHOCKED to say the least, but she simply said art is 10% talent, 90% practice...and its true.

You don't have to be a failure and right now none of us are...so maybe the best htings is change our attitude and try again no? IT sounds cheesy but seriously i've felt this crap and i'm just tired of feeling crap i'd rather just take life as it comes and let the crappy feeling be (its been most of my life anyway) but keep living. Anyway, what do you think?

PS. Blueshift, my 27 y/o bf has not studied architecture or written but thinks he will be a writer and also that he will be a successful businessman...he's starting courses for the first time since high school this year and he's turning 28. He is shit scared of failure, has always been and I keep telling him we fail just because we give ourselves that title and he has this same drivel in his head and keeps stopping himself short, should we just try we can achieve the things we piss on ourselves for not attaining and to me its a better option.

Anyway...I think this problem is something a lot of people in this age group share...and there's a book the 20 something manifesto which explains it a bit...but there is no rule that says this is all we'll ever be...and i think the rest is up to us.
Some latin wisdom:

Seize the day, put no trust in tommorrow.

Don't let the bastards get you down.

If less is more, than nothing is everything.
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Old 06-05-09, 08:56 AM   #5
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I do not say much about your history of depression so I cannot comment much there, but perhaps I can comment a bit on your work in an architect's office. I work in a similar field to architecture and once worked in a small practice with a boss who was always busy and at meetings etc. I was left very much to myself. Usually I thrived in that sort of environment, but sometimes I came up against real problems as I was being given very little help and felt so isolated on many ocassions. When I left to join a bigger firm, I realised just how big my problems were at the small firm as the bigger firm was just so supportive in that I had all these people around me who I could discuss things with and it was very supportive. I actually was coaxed back to join the small firm again when I could see the big firm I was in was going to make people redundant. I believe that was when by depression really started big time.

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