I Love Her & I Hate Myself
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I Love Her & I Hate Myself

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Old 09-30-10, 12:29 AM   #1
MSZ
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I've known this girl for over 5 years now and for more than 3 we've been very very close friends and we've always been there for each other etc. & even though we live 12 hours apart we always stay in touch and talk to each other through the phone and msn all the time. For the entire time that we've been friends its been just friendship but recently I've started to like her as more than a friend. Around the same time my depressive disorder started to affect me. The two things had nothing to do with each other originally but now they're intertwined. I just always feel like I want her attention and like I want her to care about me and shit like that, but the part I don't get is that she obviously DOES care about me and I still feel that way? She knows about my depression and she knows I've been cutting myself and hurting myself and I feel like I almost enjoy the fact that it makes her upset that I hurt myself because that shows me that she cares.. It sounds wierd because it probably is, I'm not sure though. I fucking hate myself for it and I feel like I'm letting her down all the time and I feel like because of my illness I'll never be good enough for her. Either I won't be good enough or eventually she'll get tired of having to try and help me through this and she'll stop being my friend. I definitely don't want to tell her that I'm more or less in love with her because we've both talked about how relationships with close friends only work out if they're later in life when the friends are ready to get married. We're both 18 so it's definitely too soon for that. I just wish I could understand my emotions towards her a bit better.. It makes it too hard having to feel like shit because of the stuff with her on top of my depression. I know it's impossible for anyone to understand the situation exactly but any feedback at all would be really helpful, thank you :(

"This union was a battle fought and lost,
This union was not about the cause,
This union was never about love..."
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Old 09-30-10, 01:27 AM   #2
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I know how you feel. At least you have someone who does care about you, who cares about you beyond the distance. You should tell her how you feel, and let that off your chest. Let go of any expectations though and maybe just try to appreciate your honesty with her and her reception of it. If she talks with you so much she probobaly really does like you and cares for you in return. It is wise to put off a serious romance until you are older, but there is something to be said for trying something and experiencing the truth of the matter. The only way you will ever grow and learn is by getting a little hurt and surviving the pain to live to tell others about it.

I used to be too afraid to share my feelings, and now i tell everyone how I feel but I realize that most people just don't understand, but my point is is that I never regret being truthful and finding out exactly how people feel about me, even if it takes me YEARS to get over the pain of the rejection.
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Old 09-30-10, 02:24 AM   #3
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Thank you, this is all really helpful. I know that I'm lucky to have her and I never take her for granted. I've come to realize that being honest about the way I feel is what I need to do but at the same time I don't want to risk our friendship over it. I mean our friendship could end up getting all messed up if I tell her how I feel, and then what? The one person who I could always rely on won't be there for me anymore
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Old 10-01-10, 12:24 AM   #4
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Hi MSZ

I understand....we don't want to lose the beautiful friendship.....but keeping the feelings is painful either.

While chatting with her, in a very subtle manner, very humorously, maybe you can say, "What if one day, I fall for you!!" or "Why is it, each time I hear your voice, my heart pounding.... what have you done to me!!". Say it as if you are talking to a friend (as your normally do to her). Say it in a very light manner. If she doesn't sounds comfortable, quickly change topic. Keeping the friendship is the priority for you right now, I assumed.

My 2cts.
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Old 10-01-10, 12:47 AM   #5
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At least you got the message crossed........and enlightened your chest.
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Old 10-01-10, 06:09 AM   #6
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That is awesome that you have such a great friendship with her. I totally understand not wanting to jeopardize the friendship by telling her how you feel, but I truly believe that if she is 100% your friend, she will never turn her back on you for having positive feelings for her. If you decide to tell her, I would tell her in a way that doesn't back her in a corner. Meaning that you still want to be friends and your not expecting her to make a decision, just that you feel this way and needed to tell her. If you don't, you may scare her a little and that might make her back away from you a little and then you may feel that she is rejecting you, which is not what you want. I also could be completely wrong. She may already have a feeling you like her and telling her may not even surprise her. I just know that it's better to be safe than sorry and I know how important she is to you. I think you should also consider getting help for your depression (unless you already have) because you need to have a healthy mind to have a healthy relationship....with anyone.
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Old 10-01-10, 10:10 AM   #7
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its ok mate, u shouldnt have to feel dis way. A the end of the day its how u feel and im sure if u be truthful to her it wil all be fine.
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Originally Posted by MSZ View Post
I've known this girl for over 5 years now and for more than 3 we've been very very close friends and we've always been there for each other etc. & even though we live 12 hours apart we always stay in touch and talk to each other through the phone and msn all the time. For the entire time that we've been friends its been just friendship but recently I've started to like her as more than a friend. Around the same time my depressive disorder started to affect me. The two things had nothing to do with each other originally but now they're intertwined. I just always feel like I want her attention and like I want her to care about me and shit like that, but the part I don't get is that she obviously DOES care about me and I still feel that way? She knows about my depression and she knows I've been cutting myself and hurting myself and I feel like I almost enjoy the fact that it makes her upset that I hurt myself because that shows me that she cares.. It sounds wierd because it probably is, I'm not sure though. I fucking hate myself for it and I feel like I'm letting her down all the time and I feel like because of my illness I'll never be good enough for her. Either I won't be good enough or eventually she'll get tired of having to try and help me through this and she'll stop being my friend. I definitely don't want to tell her that I'm more or less in love with her because we've both talked about how relationships with close friends only work out if they're later in life when the friends are ready to get married. We're both 18 so it's definitely too soon for that. I just wish I could understand my emotions towards her a bit better.. It makes it too hard having to feel like shit because of the stuff with her on top of my depression. I know it's impossible for anyone to understand the situation exactly but any feedback at all would be really helpful, thank you :(

"This union was a battle fought and lost,
This union was not about the cause,

This union was never about love..."
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Old 10-01-10, 02:12 PM   #8
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Thank you all for all the feedback and support, it really does help so so so much. I am definitely going to let her know how I feel sooner or later. For now I know I can just talk to her as a friend and keep my feelings to myself. I definitely want to tell her, I just need some time first to work on my depression so that, like you said 2fndprssd, I can tell her how I feel and not screw it all up by making her feel uncomfortable. Just knowing that I'll be able to let her know how I feel without screwing up the friendship is a huge relief though, so again thank you!

And about my depression, I've been getting help for a bit under two months now. I'd go ahead and explain it more, but I'm pretty sure all of you know well enough how it is. We're all in this together after all.
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Old 10-05-10, 01:22 PM   #9
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I have another quick question for whoever might be able to help. Is it normal to be more sensitive over this type of thing if you're dealing with depression? I've never really cared about a girl that I've liked as much as I care now and sometimes really small things that happen with her make me really really upset and increase my depression suddenly. I was just wondering if that was just because I like her so much or if it's because of my illness.
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Old 10-05-10, 01:32 PM   #10
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I had the same problem, I like this girl but I did not like myself because I felt so broken and dumb and messed up and she seemed so perfect.

Our relationship was like a nurse/patient relationship, she helped me with my bodybuilding, she told me what foods to eat and how to train and always gave me health advice for everything from skin and eyes to acne remedies and I had to look up 3 vocab words each day to show her and I had to read 1 page of the Bible and 1 page of a famous book and share something I learned.

She taught me and gave me advice on how to flirt with girls and do other things like this. She taught me all sorts of cultural enrichment things and it was just really akward for me sometimes, I was a little older then her by a few months but she seemed way more mature then me. She kept using vocab words I did not understand, talking about bands and actors and movies and concepts and books that I could not grasp. She has a job and I did not and I still could not even drive lol I was like such a noob at life.

Then he just met this rich dude who was older and went with him, I stopped bothering her, now I talk with miss 4.0 GPA XD lol, deja vu again.... but here is what helps me, I just pretend im the girl and I love myself the way she loves me and it works perfect.
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