I just want to cry all day long...
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I just want to cry all day long...

This is a discussion on I just want to cry all day long... within the Depression forums, part of the Depression Forums category; I am sorry this is long but PLEASE take 2 minutes and read it: This is really hard for me ...

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Old 02-13-12, 10:55 AM   #1
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Unhappy I just want to cry all day long...

I am sorry this is long but PLEASE take 2 minutes and read it:

This is really hard for me to write because I'm not one to express my feelings openly. To hide my feelings I go to the gym and release stress...but I need too tell someone now...I have too. I am a female and a sophomore in college that lives in a sorority house with my sisters. Im a pretty outgoing and fun person on the outside..but on the inside, its a whole different girl. Two weeks before I left for my freshman year of college, my dad and I were driving to Walmart when he told me that he and my mom were getting divorced. At the time I wasn't shocked by what he had said because I knew it was long overdue. After today however, it has really hit me. My life is slowly spiraling into a deep, dark whole. My parents almost force me to pick sides sometimes...I can't handle it. Not once throughout my whole life up until the divorce did my mom tell me I love you. Never. A month after my dad told me she said it too me. I couldn't say it back...not because I don't love her...I just couldn't. During my life, my mom was always gone with my sister...it was always about her so I grew really close to my dad. I would do anything in the world for him...he is my best friend and I don't know what I would do without him. It made me really upset that now all of a sudden my mom is trying to come into my life after 20 years...its hard. I've never had a boyfriend before either and I've cried numerous times and thought well Im just too ugly or not smart enough or my teeth are straight enough...every possible negative thought... I've got them covered. The divorce of my parents has not only taken control of relationships with boys but also with my friends. The past month or so has really gone down hill for me and today was my absolute breaking point. My "best friend" and I had been planning to live together next year in a house close to campus with another girl who also lives in the house with us. There is just so much to tell I don't even know where to begin...Lets start with the past two months. This semester I am taking harder classes and have had more hw than usual so I've been hiding in my room and haven't been going out as much. Because of that, my "best friend" has been growing closer to two other girls that live in the house...right next door to me actually. Before, my "best friend" would always come into my room and check to see what I'm doing or just to talk but I can't remember the last time she did...oh wait actually today when she threw me to the curb (so to speak). My "best friend" barely talks to me and when all four of the girls (my "best friend, the other girl I was going to live with, and the two new best friends) go out, they rarely include me. A couple times all four of them went to a fraternity's function and I would be left all alone...thats when I would cry myself to sleep. Gosh I have just had this bottled up inside me for too long...okay so today after I had gotten back from a field hockey game, my "best friend" and the other girl I was supposed to live with came into my room and told me they didn't want to live with me anymore. They said they wanted to live with the two new girls next door to me instead. They said they would rather live with people who are the same age, have the same majors and interests as them. I agreed but right after they walked out of the room...I burst into tears. I am still awake now writing this because I have been crying ever since and cant stop. My head is pounding. How could someone who claims to be my best friend just say pretty much hey were throwing you out of our living situation because we found two people we like better and want to live with them instead?? WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?!?!?! I am now left all alone sad, confused, depressed, everything. About an hour ago I literally thought about walking into the middle of the main road so I could get hit by a car. I want to go crawl into a hole and die. Today has really made me realize how much the divorce and having all these emotions bottled up inside me has changed my life and made me depressed. I want to get help but I dont know where I should go or what I should do and thats why I'm writing. Theyre are counselors at are school but I dont know if I can trust them or anyone to hear my feelings....PLEASE tell me what I should do:(
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Old 02-13-12, 11:51 AM   #2
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First have some and welcome to TTL.

There seems to be a lot going on and you are agitated-rightfully so. I am glad you have been able to express yourself here,because really there is NO reason why you should be on your own through this.
Divorce is never easy.... My parents got divorced when I was very young and my dad was very abusive. I don't remember ever having a hug from my mum or the words,'I love you'. I don't really blame my mum though,because I think she just didn't know?

I am a parent now and I am having to learn to say those words and hug my own children. I found it hard to trust or believe other people really care. I,in fact,expect them to leave me real quick,so I can somehow relate to what you are going through.

I will agree that you talk to the counsellors and see how they can help you? You have to try and exhaust ALL options available to you. You are worth it! Remember your life is your own in a sense. You can make it beautiful,honey. It is hard as I am finding it myself,but you have to keep fighting and believing that there is hope for YOU and you deserve happiness too irrespective of what is happening or has happened or will yet happen. No matter how hard you try to be strong or nice,things happen and that is why you have to accept and like yourself first. None of this is your fault.

Friends...sometimes they don't stick around when you need them unfortunately and that is really hard. Keep trying to be you and one day you will find people who really do care about you for you,not because of what they can get off you.

Are there hobbies you have you can engage in? A sport? Invest in yourself,you are worth it!

Please keep talking and don't be afraid of venting. Emotions are normal and everyone deserves support when they are hurting...
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Old 02-13-12, 12:24 PM   #3
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Sorry,just read again and seen that you play hockey already... Keep doing things you enjoy and try to find a reason to continue-you! There is hope!
I hope the counsellors help you with the divorce issues... Do let us know how you get on? xxx
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Old 02-14-12, 05:30 AM   #4
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Hope you are feeling better? Let us know how you get on? xxx
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Old 02-14-12, 09:49 PM   #5
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Cawille

Sorry, this is very hard on you. Parents divorce is sometime unavoidable when they can no longer be together, it's just a matter of time. I know it's hard for you now that mum is 'coming back' to you. Maybe you wanna choose to where you feel more comfortable. Reason is, you can handle life better if you're in a steady state, you can address issues better including your feelings towards mum.

And I'm sorry, your best friend is doing that to you...that's hurting. Many people can't fully understand what we're going through unless they had been there. When you feel better, try to talk to her, tell her how you feel. If she fail to understand or she understand and yet she leave you, then you know what that relationship was.

Hugs.
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