I feel so lost and aggravated
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I feel so lost and aggravated

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Old 01-15-11, 11:16 PM   #1
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i have been trying to be positive its so difficult but i am trying so that my depression dosent polute the rest of my loved ones who have to put up with me and my maddness. So i am trying to be everything that they want me to be happy (acting at least) a better sister and a normal women someone reliable who acts her age. I feel so lost i feel like there is no hope or happiness to hold on to. I am just tired of being like this feeling so empty and feeling so much despair at the same time i dont understand how that is possible and it i am sick of being aggravated for no reason and angry. I wake up with this ball of rage in my stomach i just want to hit something i dont understand it at all. All i know is its been there as long as i can remember.

As of late i cant stop thinking about friends i had in high school that i havent seen in years i have this thing of obsessing over people and things my boy boyfriend says that fixate on things. I cant help wondering how diffrent they are if they have kids and so on and so forth. Just out of the blue it hits me I still feel like i did then only my apperance has changed i have nothing no kids no responsibiltys Nothing........ I..... Feel..... So.... pathetic and so angry
What is my purpose for existing is there one........
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Old 01-16-11, 02:32 AM   #2
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I know the feeling, the obsessing over the past, the anger, and the search for meaning. I also know how it feels to "fake it" to try to seem "normal", and I know how hard and damaging that is… it can't last forever, and it's really draining.

Do you have any hobbies that you could channel your angry energy into? Lately I go for really long walks—getting sweaty helps me feel like I'm doing something that makes me feel intensely worn out, and it gets out a lot of the anger. A lot of people do arty things or exercise to feel better, but maybe even something like cooking or writing about what makes you mad (or something else entirely) could help. It can get your mind off it, make you feel busy, make you feel productive.

Also maybe there is someone you can talk to about how you're really feeling. Maybe a relative or counselor or therapist. A lot of times your family is the best thing, because they really know you, and they care a lot more than you probably think. Just talk to someone you trust. It may help you answer some of the questions you have…

I don't think anyone can tell you whether there is a purpose for existing, but I do think family and friends are the first thing most people think of. I also think just getting through each day and making some kind of schedule for yourself, some sort of structure can really help. Even if it's just waking up, making coffee, going to work, etc, you can try to do things that make you feel good and positive and go from there. Go see a movie or take long shower or see a friend. I know even when I don't have a job and I feel lost and hopeless, making a schedule for myself is important and makes me feel better. It's like baby steps… and the happier you get the more it will become clear what's important to you, what makes you really happy.

Hope you feel better.
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Old 01-16-11, 09:52 PM   #3
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I do have hobbie's i write poetry,songs and books. I also paint when i feel the urge but i mostly play rpgs. As for a schedule i do the samething every day its predictable to a point of insanity and it annoys the hell out of me. I wake up clean the kitchen make dinner and do more chores until its time to lose myself in some dismal hobbie that i can barley stay interested in. I have tried talking to my family and my boyfriend all they say is that i need to (get over it) I dont blame them i mean i have been this way for twenty three years who can blame them for being sick of hearing the samething. So i just pretend to smile and be happy for there sake. I dont have any energy my memory is shit i cant remember anything anymore. My memeories from childhood are just gone unless i am reminded of something and sometimes then i cant remember stuff that my family claims happened.
I go to sleep at around 5am and i wake up at 1:00pm or 2:00pm if i am lucky and even then i dont want to get out of bed i am so tired.
I have no job.... No simbalnce of a life and i cant make myself care i dont even care enough to exercise not that i have the energy to.
I dont know why i am angry i mean my mom and sister is always saying that i have life made in the shade. That they wish they had my life.
Well i wouldnt wish that on my worst enemy.
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Old 01-16-11, 10:27 PM   #4
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I know everybody always asks this, but it's because it is the first thing that comes to mind--are you seeing a therapist? If you have been this way so long, have you talked to a professional? A forum like this can help with some things, but not so much with deep-seated, long-term depression, and it sounds like you have been suffering from that.
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Old 01-17-11, 04:41 AM   #5
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No... but i have thought about it often i live in the country and i dont have transportation to go. I can barley get to the store let alone the doctors. I dont know what to do....
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