Originally Posted by shoey7176
Cathalain - you say that you do better and at times you don't feel depressed but then you suddenly forget that you are sick with depression and it comes back and that you're not sure what triggers it off - do you think you have answered you're own question in what you have said? - you do good when you don't think about your depression but once you remember it, it suddenly comes back - is this trying to tell you something - that maybe your own depression is brought about by you remembering that you are sick with depression?
I am sorry for the late update, but I actually had to ponder the above statement for a while. For some reason, at first this actually made me angry and I just didn't even want to come back to address it, because in my twisted, cracked mind it sounded like I was being accused of causing my own problems - if that makes sense. In some ways it still comes off that way to me, but....
In answer to it, though, it's not that thinking about it makes it so. I have depressive attacks and when I think about them, it makes it worse
, yes. But causing them in the first place? No, not so. I wouldn't wish this crap on anyone, if I had the ability to just turn this off by not thinking about it I'd take something to my own head to destroy the part of me that thinks about it - believe me.
Things are slowly getting worse, things are deteriorating for me, and it's not because I think about anything.... I do my best to make sure my mind is blank and empty as possible...
...sleep is my only relief from the pain right now.
I am so scared that one day I really will think that suicide is the answer again and make yet another attempt....