My name is Kyle and I'm 23.
I've never wrote down any parts of my life before, but now, I think I need to...
Ever since I was 5, I was brought up by my mum on her own. My mum and dad got a divorce and my dad kind of disappeared.
We only had a small familly. Just me, my mum and my grandma (I was an only child).
My mum tought me everything I needed to know in life. She looked after me so well but at the same time gave me enough freedom to learn for myself (which I think is very important).
We where so close. She used to take me to Southport (UK) when I was younger and she would buy me anything and everything she could afford (eventhough I knew we couldnt afford it and eventhough I said I didnt want it, she knew I really did).
She did everything for me, never thought about herself. We did'nt have much money but what ever she did have would be spent on me (which in a way, made me feel bad)
She took me all over the world. The Maldives, Siri Lanka and even Jamaica (we where both big fans of bob marley lol).
Even when I was in my twenties, we used to go out around Southport and have a great laugh around a few bars together. Usually ended up in us getting drunk and lost somewhere then missing our train home lol.
Then, on the 12th of Febuary 2011, my mother was diagnosed with cancer (Lympoma) which is easily treatable. I cried but she told me "everythings gonna be alright" (as Bob Marley would say).
About a month later, we then found out it was Melanoma (skin cancer) which was difficult to treat, but still treatable. She kept smiling and put her breave face on and said "we're going to Southport!" So the next day, we did and had yet another fantastic time (concidering)!
Come to think of it, it was the last great time we had.
About another month later (after some more tests) she started chemotherapy. About bloody time! Why they couldnt start it sooner I dont know. Maybe things could have been different?
After that, she said she had never felt better. Which was the complete opposite the doctors had told her she would be. She always had to be different my mum lol.
A cupple weeks later, she had her CT scan to see how things where progressing.
We where called into the doctors office (me, my mum and grandma) and sat down to hear the verdict.
Then came the single most devistating thing to hear I could imagine.
The cancer had spread to her brain and she had months to live with no hope what so ever.
To go from having chemo to stop the cancer in the possibility it would never return to having months to live
I can't go into details of what happend inbetween then and now because Its actually killing me wrighting this. But I can say it was the hardest thing I have ever been through watching my mother deteriorate from the happy bubberly person she always was, to her being in agony without being able to move or speak.
Then, on the 15th of June at 11:30pm, I held her hand and watched her take her last breaths before slipping away peacfully in her sleep.
Ironic because half an hour before, I went to the chaple in the hospice we where staying in and prayed, for the first time in years, that she would go peacfully.
Even though I knew she was going, I'm still in agony now nearly a year later. As is my grandma.
I know people have been through a hell of a lot worse but since I lost my mum, I slipped into a state of deppression. Of which led to self harm and an overdose of which ended me up in intensive care. All of which I hate myself for and know my mum would have hated to see.
Anyway, sorry for going on. I appreciate anyone who read this.
I will no doubt be posting a few threads on here soon.