How do people cope with the loss of a mother? My Story
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How do people cope with the loss of a mother? My Story

This is a discussion on How do people cope with the loss of a mother? My Story within the Depression forums, part of the Depression Forums category; Hello My name is Kyle and I'm 23. I've never wrote down any parts of my life before, but now, ...

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Old 04-27-12, 06:10 PM   #1
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Unhappy How do people cope with the loss of a mother? My Story


My name is Kyle and I'm 23.

I've never wrote down any parts of my life before, but now, I think I need to...

Ever since I was 5, I was brought up by my mum on her own. My mum and dad got a divorce and my dad kind of disappeared.
We only had a small familly. Just me, my mum and my grandma (I was an only child).
My mum tought me everything I needed to know in life. She looked after me so well but at the same time gave me enough freedom to learn for myself (which I think is very important).

We where so close. She used to take me to Southport (UK) when I was younger and she would buy me anything and everything she could afford (eventhough I knew we couldnt afford it and eventhough I said I didnt want it, she knew I really did).
She did everything for me, never thought about herself. We did'nt have much money but what ever she did have would be spent on me (which in a way, made me feel bad)

She took me all over the world. The Maldives, Siri Lanka and even Jamaica (we where both big fans of bob marley lol).

Even when I was in my twenties, we used to go out around Southport and have a great laugh around a few bars together. Usually ended up in us getting drunk and lost somewhere then missing our train home lol.

Then, on the 12th of Febuary 2011, my mother was diagnosed with cancer (Lympoma) which is easily treatable. I cried but she told me "everythings gonna be alright" (as Bob Marley would say).
About a month later, we then found out it was Melanoma (skin cancer) which was difficult to treat, but still treatable. She kept smiling and put her breave face on and said "we're going to Southport!" So the next day, we did and had yet another fantastic time (concidering)!
Come to think of it, it was the last great time we had.

About another month later (after some more tests) she started chemotherapy. About bloody time! Why they couldnt start it sooner I dont know. Maybe things could have been different?

After that, she said she had never felt better. Which was the complete opposite the doctors had told her she would be. She always had to be different my mum lol.

A cupple weeks later, she had her CT scan to see how things where progressing.
We where called into the doctors office (me, my mum and grandma) and sat down to hear the verdict.

Then came the single most devistating thing to hear I could imagine.
The cancer had spread to her brain and she had months to live with no hope what so ever.

To go from having chemo to stop the cancer in the possibility it would never return to having months to live

I can't go into details of what happend inbetween then and now because Its actually killing me wrighting this. But I can say it was the hardest thing I have ever been through watching my mother deteriorate from the happy bubberly person she always was, to her being in agony without being able to move or speak.

Then, on the 15th of June at 11:30pm, I held her hand and watched her take her last breaths before slipping away peacfully in her sleep.

Ironic because half an hour before, I went to the chaple in the hospice we where staying in and prayed, for the first time in years, that she would go peacfully.

Even though I knew she was going, I'm still in agony now nearly a year later. As is my grandma.

I know people have been through a hell of a lot worse but since I lost my mum, I slipped into a state of deppression. Of which led to self harm and an overdose of which ended me up in intensive care. All of which I hate myself for and know my mum would have hated to see.

Anyway, sorry for going on. I appreciate anyone who read this.
I will no doubt be posting a few threads on here soon.

Thank you.

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Old 04-27-12, 06:17 PM   #2
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Hello Kyle.

First off; welcome to the forums!

I'm very sorry for your loss. Your mother sounds like a great person. Time has a way of easing the pain a little though, I hope you'll feel a little better soon. Please be careful with the things you're doing to yourself. You're going to get through this. :)

All the best!
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Old 04-27-12, 06:17 PM   #3
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Manly tears were shed reading your story. I can very much relate to how much you love your mother. My dad was in 'n' out of rehab and jail throughout my entire life. My mom and my grandma raised me by themselves as well, and every time I think about going through what you did, I can just barely stop myself from crying (again).

I know it's hard now, and it's going to get harder before it gets better, but you need to stop hurting yourself and using drugs. Imagine what your mom would say to you, if she could? Do your mom and your grandma proud, and be exactly what they always knew you could be.

Much love.
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Old 04-27-12, 06:33 PM   #4
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Hi Kyle. I'm glad that you decided to write down your memories here, and ask for support. What you, your mom, and your grandma have been through - I wish nobody would ever have to go through. I'm so sorry.

My mother also died from cancer. I also second-guessed her doctors for delaying treatment, and wondered if they had only started earlier...

I was in my 30's when she died, and it was traumatic for me even though I was older. When you're close with your mom, it doesn't matter how old you are right? She's your mom!

The way I got through it was unique for me - my sister went through it in her own way. We all do that. Our own way, and in our own time. I think I cried almost every day for a year. The first year really is the hardest, because you pass every holiday and birthday for the first time without her. The second year, you've already done that so it's no longer something to fear and wonder how it's going to be for you. But it's still sad.

Shortly after my mom died, I bought one of those blank books that you write in yourself. I started writing just everything I could remember about my mom, so I wouldn't forget. My biggest fear and worry was forgetting those little things. That's why I like that you wrote some of your memories here. As I wrote, I would usually cry - but some things made me smile, and sometimes actually laugh (and cry at the same time). So, writing helped me a lot. You could write letters to her if you like that idea.

I also went to the bookstore and went to the 'grieving' section. There were books on coping with losing a mother. I got one called Motherless Daughters (I think), and I also got a workbook (I forget the name) that I could write in. I liked the workbook, because it gave me tasks to do, and direction in what to think about and how to work through it. (Again, I like writing - it helps me).

When my mom was alive, and whenever I was feeling sad, she used to say to me, "Get up and get dressed - you'll feel better", and also, "Buy yourself something pretty. You'll feel better". So now, in my 40's, I remember the things she said and I still do them..... and they work! Sometimes I buy myself a present and think, "Thanks mom". So, remember what she told you, and follow her advice. A mother's advice is a treasure.

You could also go to some of the places that you know she would take you, or places she'd like to know that you visited. Take her with you, in your mind. You can even talk to her about it or write her about it. Include her in your life still. This might make you too sad, but it's just a suggestion.

Keep writing Kyle. It's great that you came to this site. I hope you can find support for your depression here also. Don't compare your own grief to other's and think yours isn't that bad. Yes, people go through 'worse' things, but losing your mother, who was more than a mother to you - you guys were buddies! - is very traumatic and life-changing. And it takes quite a while to get used to the fact that she's not here. For years and years, I know that I didn't actually believe that she wasn't here anymore. My mind couldn't fathom it, or process that thought. For years. So take your time - however long you need, okay?
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Old 04-27-12, 06:38 PM   #5
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Kyle - there is a Journal section on this forum located under "Take This Community". If you want to start a journal here, it's a place where you can write anything you want, and nobody else will respond (i.e. letters to your mom, or memories, or anger at the doctors - whatever). So it's just for you to express your thoughts, uninterrupted. Of course, when you prefer responses, keep doing what you're doing :)
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Old 04-27-12, 06:53 PM   #6
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Wow, thank you all for your replies!

I wasnt expecting any lol, and so soon!

You are right PrairieDawn but the problem is that it kills me to think about things. I cant cry (for some reason) its like I have a mental block which I dont know how to break! Maybe its the anti d's I'm on? Would that make sense?

I've tried counciling but again the block stops me. I'm waiting to see a phyciatrist but they take the piss! (excuse my french)
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Old 04-27-12, 07:46 PM   #7
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It's okay, I am in America and I don't even know what that means!!! LOL! I bet it's not good ;)

Give it time, Kyle - you'll get past the block. Maybe it is the meds keeping you from crying, I have no idea. You can ask a pharmacist or whatever doc you happen to see.
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Old 04-28-12, 09:08 PM   #8
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hey Keelo. I am so sorry about your mom. You need to take your time mourning for your mom, its extremely healthy to mourn. It seemed like she spent a great amount of time making sure you were always happy, and i think she would want you to still be happy. You can get through this, best of luck with everything and my deepest condolences for your loss
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Old 04-28-12, 09:24 PM   #9
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Hello Kyle-
Your story brought tears to my eyes. I was 40 years old when my dear Mother passed. It was sudden, quick and unexpected. I was left devastated and in shock. That was 9 years ago. I would like to tell you that you will quickly recover but that would not be true.

I think it is quite normal to second guess the doctors afterwards as you are regarding your Mum's medical care. I know I did. But hindsight is always 20/20. In the end I concluded that the doctors did the best they could and it was just her time to go.

Your Mum sounded like a wonderful person as well as a nurturing & loving Mother. Very sad to lose your Mum at any age but you are still so young. I am truly sorry. It is a long process Kyle but you will get through it. Hang in there!
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Old 04-29-12, 02:14 AM   #10
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Keeelo, I haven't experienced this, but I'm so sorry... She sounds like such a great mum! I'm sorry for your loss... Please talk to us anytime,we all are here for you to hold your hand and offer you a shoulder when you need one... You are not alone anymore. We can't compete with your mum or beat her if we tried, but we'll be here for you,Kyle
Courage doesn't always roar.
Sometimes courage is the quiet voice
at the end of the day saying,
"I will try again tomorrow."
- Mary Anne Radmacher
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