honestly feel like im becoming insane, like really mentally insane.
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honestly feel like im becoming insane, like really mentally insane.

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Old 08-28-11, 11:01 AM   #1
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Question honestly feel like im becoming insane, like really mentally insane.

my issue is a bit different than majority of those i have read on here, i have self worth and i dont think i am a piece of crap. However my issue is in regards to life and death. when i was a child, like 10-12 i used to think about dying all the time and it scared the crap out of me. I would think about it and burst into tears and it consumed my life for a while. I even had myself convinced that maybe at some point i had already died and was an angel on earth and just didnt know it. and one other time i was convinced that this was heaven we just didnt know it. then, all of a sudden, my thoughs of death and weird theories just went way and i never thought of them again, until now.

I am now a 23yr old mother of two, with a wonderful husband and by all accounts a great life. but as of about 2 weeks ago i started having those thoughts again. just a constant worry about death. while im at work or home or with family or doing absolutely anything. im completely distracted from my everyday life because now my life is consumed again. its a little different this time though. now its being unable to handle what happens after death. the not knowing for sure aspect and also struggleing with what my faith tells me will happen. this is not a faith and religion issue because my faith has not waivered. but regardless of how great heaven sounds, timelessness does not sound appealing to me. Not to mention i dont really understand why the hell we had to be born, just to die. It all makes life seem pointless to me. for the past couple weeks i cry constantly because i cant stop thinking about the fact that i am going to die and some day meet the reality of what happens then. It gives me this feeling of helplessness because i know it will happen no matter what, but hopelessness also because i feel life is pointless also now. i literally dont want to die because of uncertainty, but i do want to die so that i can escape this every day torture. i honestly feel like i am going insane. this is not normal and i know it. but i dont know how to change it. some times it come to a head, and i just freak out and dont know what to do. the past couple weeks has felt like years, its draining me, and i have no solution to the problem.
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Old 08-28-11, 01:36 PM   #2
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Hi beverly,
This sounds like anxiety to me. I'm not waving it off - I know many affected by anxiety, anxiety disorders, etc. There are people on TTL like this too. I've heard this fear before. So you're not alone, ok?
I also have felt like I was going crazy before.
But what is crazy? Is that more scary, or is the idea of losing control more scary?
Is dying what's scary, or the not being able to control life + the future..
confusion? overwhelming?..
sorry. I'm not writing well tonight.. but I'm listening. TTL's listening.
How old are your kids?
Have you talked about this with a doctor or anyone else?
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Old 08-28-11, 11:38 PM   #3
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well my youngest is only almost 2 months, so i was thinking it was possibly post pardom depression. Im just not sure. I have discussed this with my doctor and she prescribed an anti depressant, however i took it and could not function. it made me so sleepy and i slept for 16hrs!! i tried to stay up but was nodding off while setting straight up. And like i said i have two babies and so i cannot be doing that. so i stopped taking it, and plan to call tomorrow to get something else.

I cant really describe what exactly the fear is. Basically, time is all we know in our life. Time rules and runs everything. Time determines processes and cycles. Time going by is the only constant factor that we can always count on and it cannot be stopped. However if we die and go to heaven for eternity, there is no time. There are no processes and cycles to go through. We dont grow, our kids dont grow there is no progress or growth period! Your just there, and stuck, and theres no getting out. This scares the crap out of me. I cant handle just the fact that there will never be anything after that. Thats all. Thats the part that initially scares me and thats what scares me the most. then i start wondering why i am thinking this, which makes me think im crazy, and then that also scares me. Then it all boils over and i think that im never going to be able to stop thinking about this and will live tortured for my entire life, which then makes me just want to die now because this honestly is torture. and i dont know why it scares me so much! I just want to be ok with life, and with death.
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Old 08-29-11, 12:11 AM   #4
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You know, I use to be like this also, and at times now, still am. It's hard, scary, and we don't know why we do it, we just do. I got like that, after I had my child, so yes, some of it maybe due to your hormons changing. It's a good thing you're going to call your doctor tomorrow and see what he/she's able to do for you, to help you. This will only be a suggestion, but when you get to feeling that way, try to do refocus your mind on something else. Something that you like to do, a hobby, a book, a funny tv show/movie. It may help to distract yourself. I use to do that, when I was feeling overwhelmed with those feelings, sometimes, it really did help. Other times, I just went for a walk, went to a mall, to window shop, or did watch a movie that was really funny. It did help. I sincerely hope, one or all of these suggestions will help you as well....
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Old 08-29-11, 01:09 AM   #5
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Does sound like anxiety to me. Maybe you need to talk to a psychiatrist or counsellor or something. I do like what Aries said, I have the same technique, I distract myself with other thoughts- happy thoughts, when my anxiety flares up. Seems to work, when I do it. If I don't I can stay awake for hours worrying.

BTW, when I was on Anti-depressants I found the anxiety went away. It was such a nice feeling. I didn't realize it went away, till I went off of anti-depressants, then the anxiety came back. I found it very scary. I was so calm before.

Talk to your doctor and try to distract your mind, with either positive thoughts or activities.
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Old 08-30-11, 12:41 AM   #6
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beverly I can understand why what you said makes you depressed. It's a good philosophical question and the kind of thing that made me depressed too, well at least before my current more immediate issues. I'm probably not equipped to talk about it, but I think time wouldn't stop in heaven or an afterlife. Maybe there wouldn't be physical growth but you would still be doing activities, perhaps discovering and learning new things, like you would in normal life. I think it would be just like normal life except more peaceful. If you are religious perhaps talk to a pastor about it. Maybe a doctor could help but to me it sounds like you are depressed by philosophical things which is perfectly normal.
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