First, I'll apologize for my annoying typing in lower case. i'm lazy... sue me.
alright. so alot of people on this site have clearly intended, tried, or have thought of suicide. Me being one of those... but i am curious how many people have actually experienced or seen real death... i wonder not for amusement but do to agonizing and haunting thoughts and dreams i have... like the one from last night...
to begin some history.... i was law enforcement in the military...
so the worst of my experiences would be during a medical emergency call...
it was a lovely Sunday morning in Mid June in California backi in 07. When around 8 in the morning there was a call put out over the radio, "Control to all responding units, We have a medical emergency at 916 Delta dr. 3 year old reported to have puncture wound to the chest. How copy patrol 3?" me- "Patrol 3 copies, enroute."
Oh shit. are you fuckin serious, a 3 year old??? well my partner and i are first on scene... and a terrifying one at that... Kid's dad is rushing out the front door carrying his dying son. (he had a pulse when we arrived).... the mother is screaming to high heaven... (and why wouldnt she be?) screams that still haunt me to this day... a sound i pray noone ever hears...
Now being on the military installation, the father was in the military and had taken the same first aid course that we all have. He was trained in cpr... and at the time the kid was crashing... we were merely attempting ot keep him alive long enough for real care to arrive... so we allowed the fatehr to attempt cpr.... why would we take away his chance to save his son doing the same thing we would? and i watched the father with true despairation in his eyes as he tried his damnedest.... to no avail... i watched as this young child died... tried in vain to calm the mother... and eventually medical arrived.... (they were on the other side of base at the time.) they end up landng a chopter in the middle of the housing and flight for life this kid to a hospital where they cut open his chest and hand pumped his heart... but it was to late... (the son had died from the wound inflicted by his 5 yr old autistic brother while they were playing with and sprinkler and in a freak accident stabbed his little brother.)
and the story continues... it was decided that i (even though i was first on scene) should be the one to stay and secure the scene while a possible homicide was investigated... so when the family returned with the gut wrenching news, i had to inform them to wait across the street... then later, the father, being the strong idealist man that he was, asked if i would assist him in moving the rugs and towels with blood so his wife didnt have to see them... (of course i did)... this whole instance haunts my dreams, i am a father of 2 young boys and wake from nightmares of this only with me and my sons playing the roles... it truly fucks with me... (yes i am getting help through veterans affairs with treatment, for this and other issues.. ones i'll leave out that took place in afghanistan...)
sorry for the long post... i know it will deter comments... but hey... i am having an awful day after waking to one of these horrid dreams this morning....