Feeling bad about my choices in life
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Feeling bad about my choices in life

This is a discussion on Feeling bad about my choices in life within the Depression forums, part of the Depression Forums category; I've been wanting to write on here recently but have gone to write and found myself deleting what I've said ...

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Old 07-23-13, 07:33 AM   #1
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Default Feeling bad about my choices in life

I've been wanting to write on here recently but have gone to write and found myself deleting what I've said and putting it off. I've been going through some really tough times in my head, everything outside of my mind is the same but I am becoming more and more unhappy with my life and where I am going in my life. Have found it really hard to talk to people about it all too because I doubt whether it actually helps. I have started to feel as though all my choices in my life have lead me down dead ends, and that everything I do to make things better has a negative effect somehow. Writing on here just feels like it is feeding the negative and keeping the depression alive but when I have written things and not posted them I felt like I would explode. I feel like I cant find peace of mind.
I've been trying to do positive things to help my state of mind, eating healthy and doing a bit of yoga, growing vegetables and reading but my mind finds fault and stops me enjoying them or doing them so much. And i've pretty much stopped painting which was what I wanted to do self employed, as I had a couple of minor knock backs that made me reevaluate whether I was just being stupid and believing I could do something that I cant. I have started to question whether everything i have chosen for myself has just been a reaction to how I feel about the world, I feel like I dont fit in and that people dont understand me and so chose to live like a bit of a recluse and be an artist and not see much of people. I just dont know if my choices were healthy and I wonder if I just made the choices I have to avoid other things.
I dont know, I just wanted to get that off my chest a bit because it's just going round and round in my head and making me feel so awful about myself.
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Old 07-23-13, 02:07 PM   #2
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You say that everything you do to make things better has a negative effect. It is because you think that there is some serious problem that need to be fixed. Lets think otherwise: try to believe everything is fair and good, and repeat this thought several times in your mind. Make your heart believe that all your decisions were fair enough. Even if it is not that, nothing is late to change when you are not dead. Think -- When all else fails, remember the future remains.

Feel that you are so strong such that nothing can beat you; believe it.
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Old 07-23-13, 05:40 PM   #3
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Thank you, you are right, i do think there is something wrong with me that needs fixing, i find fault in everything i do which feeds the depression. I become so desperate to find a "cure" to how i feel and try different things to lift my mood that when depression creeps in a bit i start to feel negatively about the previously positive things i've done as they haven't fixed the problem
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Old 07-23-13, 07:20 PM   #4
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wow Nara. You wrote exactly what i'm feeling right now.
I'm actually trying to figure out a way to say these things to my sister, who i can discuss some of these ideas with. Things like "Why do i feel like such an idiot right now, like i made the stupidest choices in my life? And why did i feel pretty good about these very choices five years ago? Because i NEVER feel contentment, never feel at peace, even when i'm doing what i choose to do. My brain is short of happiness endorphins, no matter how much i exercise. And i'm torturing myself with my negative thoughts. I want out. "

You talked about choices made by "reacting" to life. That's a good way to put it. I see my life like i've driven down a dead end street that i can't remember how to get out, there were so many turns that got me here. And now i'm trapped, can't drive out, and the party i was driving to is over. I wasted years trying to get somewhere, and i got lost on the way.
I have very few people i'm close with. I used to congregate with believers, but i thought myself into a place that didn't allow me to do that anymore. I get along well with individuals, but not so well with groups. And the result of what i used to think as "brave, independent thinking" is now pathetic. And it's resulted in my being isolated. And where at first my independence helped me thrive, now it's undermining my emotional health, and i'm withering. I dunno, the future doesn't look interesting. And even after many hours pondering paths and choices and options, none of them look appealing. The most appealing option is to refuse to engage at all.


“It is the business of the very few to be independent; it is a privilege of the strong. And whoever attempts it, even with the best right, but without being OBLIGED to do so, proves that he is probably not only strong, but also daring beyond measure. He enters into a labyrinth, he multiplies a thousandfold the dangers which life in itself already brings with it; not the least of which is that no one can see how and where he loses his way, becomes isolated, and is torn piecemeal by some minotaur of conscience. Supposing such a one comes to grief, it is so far from the comprehension of men that they neither feel it, nor sympathize with it. And he cannot any longer go back! He cannot even go back again to the sympathy of others!”
- Nietzsche

Last edited by whatswrongwithme2; 07-23-13 at 07:23 PM.
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Old 07-24-13, 03:53 PM   #5
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Thank you for your reply whatswrongwithme2, sorry to hear you feel that way as i know how horrible it is! It's like you are going mad but you arent at the same time, I feel as though nothing makes any sense and everything i wanted and was passionate about have been a knock on from something else that has happened. i question whether it was a real drive from something true to myself or if it was just a product of trauma, do i concentrate on art so much because i feel let down and rejected by other people and therefore would rather spend time alone being creative than connect to other people?

Maybe we just think too much hey?!

I like that Nietzche quote, although i dont feel that strong it does describe how i'm feeling very well.
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Old 07-24-13, 07:21 PM   #6
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Hi nara,
Quote:
Originally Posted by nara View Post
... as i know how horrible it is! It's like you are going mad but you arent at the same time, I feel as though nothing makes any sense and everything i wanted and was passionate about have been a knock on from something else that has happened. i question whether it was a real drive from something true to myself or if it was just a product of trauma,
-
do i concentrate on art so much because i feel let down and rejected by other people and therefore would rather spend time alone being creative than connect to other people?
I have the same question. I do want to spend time with people and connect with people. But each person has a different way of pthe world and emphasizes what interests him/her the most. So, spending time with people who are interested in things i'm not is boring and frustrating. It's frustrating because i want the interaction with the person, but it's not going to be interesteing interaction. And when you compare the way you can lose yourself in your art to the frustrations of interacting with people on topics you don't care about, then it makes perfect sense that you'd prefer your art.


You talked about questioning the real drive that propelled you toward art in the past. I question that too with my decisions. I look back at what i wanted then, and i have it now. But it's like mirage; the water doesn't quench my thirst. I thought it would, but now that i have it, it's not something i can derive contentment from for the rest of my life. What i thought would generate a deep long-lasting peace was just a destination that had an initial thrill that faded over time.

You said "Maybe we just think too much hey?!".
That's true for me, especially in the past. But now, these feelings of being without support and lost in a maze is very very physical. It's not just mental confusion. My tendency to overanalyze is what got me here.

I don't want to be where i am. I want something else. But not just a different location, like quitting everything and becoming a scuba instructor in Belize. Right now if i did that, i'd still bring my confused mind, which wouldn't let me enjoy the change of location.
Intellectually, i know that my only option is to accept where i'm at, because i cannot change the past. But emotionally, my psyche is messing with my body, making me easily distracted and sluggish.
But i'm having a hard time acting on my intellectual knowledge. I'm pretty apathetic to whatever the future holds, because i've tried so many ways to craft an outcome in the past, and each time, the outcome is only partially realized, which demotivates me.
-
You said "do i concentrate on art so much because i feel let down and rejected by other people and therefore would rather spend time alone being creative than connect to other people?"
I'm struggling with the same question:
Do i lack drive because i feel let down and rejected by other people and therefore would rather spend time alone.

And in truth, i don't even need an answer to that question. I just wanna get my groove back. I'm turning into a personality that i don't like.

Here's an interesting documentary on a solitary artistic genius:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MP5zoAgAlbE

Last edited by whatswrongwithme2; 07-24-13 at 07:23 PM.
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Old 07-25-13, 08:12 AM   #7
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Hi Nara,
These are free resources on the web which helped me cope up with depression. Hope this could help you too:

The Depression Self Help Plan
Psychological Self-Help - new - Table of Contents
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