My Feelings
Driving home tonight, everything seemed to blur past my window at lightspeed. It felt like I was travelling through a dense and neverending haze, much the way everything has felt lately. The highway was deserted and I drove faster and faster, as fast as I've ever driven, not caring and all the while knowing I didn't want to be where I was going. Nothing makes sense here. I've been trying to fight this ever since I can remember, but every year becomes more severe; each one a new, deeper level of Hell. Everything keeps flying by so fast and I try desperately to slow it down and to understand, but it all just spins around faster and faster, with no hope of stopping. I keep spinning and spinning - out of control - with no solution at hand; nothing to slow things down. The shaking feeling makes it hard to breath and the resulting pain in my chest is like the whole world trying to crush me.
I'm lost in a big dark space with no light and no compass. All I can do is stagger blindly through the dark - I trip and fall. I desperately need the lights but I can't find the switch. It feels as though I never will. Sometimes I manage to escape that place for a little while and when I do I try as hard as I can to keep the cold and the dark from creeping back in.
And when I still can't find the solution, I end up back in the dark. I lay staring at the ceiling all day and night trying to blame others before I realize that I'm the problem...something I really knew all along but could never admit to myself. I always wanted to be the good person in life - the person you could come to with all of your problems. The best friend and the healer. I am neither to anyone now. Now I am the one who needs healing and there are no bandages.
I am the one who destroys beautiful things.
I am being reduced to a hollow shell of a person, and there is nothing I can do about it. I used to be stronger than this.
How much longer until I am completely empty - It feels as though I'm already there. No matter how hard I try to fix myself, it's never enough and it has made me exhausted and worn.
I hate what I've become.
I have failed. I am so sorry.
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I wrote this during an extreme low point, to a person who I never let see it. I have always found it impossibly frustrating that I've never been able to effectively explain to someone in words how I feel, and have felt for much of my life. It's the cause of so much frustration for me. I still don't think there is any word to describe the pain we often feel, but I'm posting this because I think a lot of people can probably relate. I've always found it a little bit helpful to know that other people are experiencing the same things, as unfortunate as it is.
Thanks for reading.
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