|
TTL Bronze Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 6,720
My Mood:
|
Tearing myself apart. (Potential triggers.)
There's some stuff that I really need to get off my chest. Since it's in relation to several different things, I decided that I would just drop off my thoughts here. If that poses as a problem, the mods are more than welcome to move it where they see it to be more suitable.
I have every reason to believe this is the main cause of my depression. I have more than likely been depressed since I started school. Dealing with a disability when you're around a bunch of heartless little kids is one of the hardest things in the world. As a matter of a fact, the first time I ever really felt accepted was when I started college. As I got a disability-friendly university, I am worlds more accepted here than I was even in high school. While no one made fun of me to my face in high school, as opposed to all the other grades, I knew I was being poked fun at behind my back. It's really not that hard to figure out that sort of thing is happening. No matter how well people think they are hiding it; no matter how sneaky you think you're being. The person you are making fun of always knows.
*reference to cutting* Almost a year ago, I cut. I thought it was the solution to my problems. As it would turn out, it only made my problems worse. Thankfully, I don't have any noticeable scars, and only did it twice before a friend of mine scared me from doing it again. Either way, however; I still did it. I'm still haunted by that night in the shower, when my leg was throbbing, and I was crying. That night I took a razor blade to my leg, and let the blood flow. It stung; I won't deny that, but I didn't feel pain. I didn't feel pain until later that night, when I tried to sleep. Every time I turned onto my leg, I whimpered. It just hurt so bad. Thank God for my boyfriend, or I know I would have done it again. If it weren't for him; weren't for him showing me his scar, I would have done it again. I know it.
(Please forgive me for this, shadow... You can skip to the next paragraph, if you need to.) *reference to sexual content* I have major issues with sex. Whether or not it's power of suggestion, I don't know, but as far as I am concerned; as far as I remember, I was molested when I was little. (I think it was 10, but I don't know. Like I said, I don't even really know if it happened. It may not have.) It's because of these "memories" that I have issues with sex. My ex boyfriend and I... we, well, yeah. As a result of that, my psyche is really fucked up, to say the least. I have a lot of trust issues when it comes to sex. The biggest thing was... well, I didn't know I could say no. Because of my "memories" from when I was younger, I've always thought that I needed to indulge in sexual activity to make someone like me. That's how it always seemed to be with my other ex, and this other guy I met online. I guess I always figured sex was what won love. Won respect. I didn't know that, when I wasn't in the mood, I could say no. I feel so ashamed, because I'm the one who initiated it in the first place and, in the end, I'm the one that got hurt. I can't help but feel like I did something wrong.
*reference to eating disorders* In high school, I used to be moderately bulimic. Not to the point that I did it every single day, after every meal, but I would do it enough that it could have probably been classified as an eating disorder. If anyone had found out about it. To this day, sometimes I still have the urge to throw up after meals. Especially if I feel like I ate too much. I know I'm beautiful; I hear that all the time. But, I mean... I'm big. I weight at least 250lbs, give or take. I can't even fit into jeans that I could fit into three months ago. How fucking terrible is that? I'm such a pig, and I hate it. But I can't stop; can't stop eating. The feeling of hunger scares me; the sensation of my stomach growling. I thrive off my stomach growling... When it growls, I tend to go longer without eating. So I eat so that won't happen. There's something wrong with me, and I know it. I just don't know what.
That's all. Thanks for reading. I do feel better, getting that off my chest.
Last edited by Sweet Denial; 01-14-2010 at 03:28 PM.
|
