No more fake smiles

withoutaclue · 05-07-2012, 02:57 PM

Time for me to face reality. No matter how I try to shake it, I am a loser. Whether it's because of genetics, planetary alignment, whatever, nothing ever goes my way. It takes a monumental effort to get out of bed to face the same shit all over again.

I'm not as smart as I thought I was, my aunt said that to my face. I'm too slow for my own good. I am socially inept, I couldn't hold a conversation if I wanted to. And in those times I'm in a group, I end up being invisible and I walk away without saying a word. When people go out on Friday or Saturday night, I'm never invited, but in those rare times by some freak of nature I am invited, I'm not able to make it because I don't drive. I'm amazed and astonished there are a couple of people who still have anything to do with me, probably only because they haven't found someone better yet. I try to be respectful to others, but what does that get me? Absolutely. Fucking. Nothing. Why even try to make friends if all I have to look forward to is rejection?

I'm just here, no form, no shape, no function. But you know what, I accept that now. I am a loser. I was born a loser. I will die a loser. I accept that role. That's the way it is.

Blue Girl · 05-08-2012, 09:36 PM

hi, did something happen to set this off?

lifeunexpected12 · 05-08-2012, 10:38 PM

i dont think you're a loser. i just think you're not giving yourself enough credit. your aunt is probably not the best person to talk to, but i think your friends still invite you to hang out because they want you there, no matter how many times you say no. my friends used to do the same, i just cant get myself to go. i get bored or annoyed easily but thats the way i am and i can admit its a personal problem of mine. you dont have one though, just ask a friend for a ride or casually say "i dont know if ill make it cuz my aunt/mom/dad/guardian cant take me" im sure someone will offer you a ride. dont put yourself down. it is not going to help. you are NOT a loser. you have ppl who love you, and im sure if they knew how you felt, they would be there for you cuz thats how much they care about YOU!

im sure you're smart, and beautiful, and caring. you just have to believe that about yourself also. <3

whocares · 05-09-2012, 09:24 PM

I am a loser. I was born a loser. I will die a loser.

I will always be a loser, feel like a loser, act like a loser, prefer to be a loser, look like a loser, walk and talk like a loser, eat, sleep, shit, piss, work, relax, play, watch, listen and smell like a loser. At least im surrounded by winners, BECAUSE IM THE BIGGEST LOSER THERE COULD EVER BE, nothings ever going to change that indesputable fact of my pathetic, pointless little waste of time I for some reason call 'my life'.

Dreams are my only true escape.

lifeunexpected12 · 05-11-2012, 05:47 PM

i would say you're only a loser if you think you are.... but you think you are for some reason and i dont see why to be honest.

withoutaclue · 05-21-2012, 12:21 PM

I just can't understand... everyone around me just seems to have everything so easy. They have friends to talk to, they do well in school, everything goes their way or at least it seems like it. And then there's me, no form, no function, nothing ever goes my way, unfocused, unmotivated, always late with assignments, hated at home, socially awkward, only one real friend in the world and I'm frankly amazed she still hasn't walked away when so many others have.

I don't know what it is right now, I just feel like shit. I wanna just curl up into a ball and bury myself somewhere. Why can't something go my way just once?

trytofeelbetter · 05-21-2012, 12:43 PM

hey withoutaclue,
I know exactly what youa re going through. as a matter of fact, i think many of us here are going through the same thing. these inability or the motivation to socialize. the inability to speak up and tell a group of friends whats on your mind or contribute a nugget of your mind into any social converstation. its a very hard problem to deal with. its takes so much energy and ability to think fast on your feet.
to always be ready to say something, before you miss the chance. that ability is so hard to come by. whats hard is you feel as though you friends don't do enough to get you more involved in their plans. even your family for that matter. the sadness your home enviroment brings you as a child sticks with you as an adult. thats what has happened to me it seems. but i don't really know for sure.
You have picked up some unhealthy social habbits throughout your life. You think it doesn't matter if you say something or anything from time to time, in a social conversation. you seem always confused about the next step, the next goal or the momment that will seem fullfiling to you.
we are all waiting for that momment. but without feeling the need to help our own way out of it, its very difficult. therefore you must learn to motivate yourself. you must conquer you fears and awkwardness. not in an annoying way, in subtle ways after which you can say to yourself, "boy, i did good there".
We need these chances to redeem ourselves. I hope you get some and i hope i get some aswell.
sincerely wish you the best. please feel better.

withoutaclue · 05-21-2012, 05:59 PM

I realized something else about myself... I really have no idea how to be a friend. I either cling to people so much I end up annoying them into rejecting me or I push people away after I realized I made too many mistakes with them or I think they can't accept me the way I am. I can barely be called human and should lock myself in a cage somewhere.