Just want to tell my story
This is my story, it is long and hopefully worth the time it takes to read.
Hopefully I can make it understandable to you just how I feel.
I am a 22 year old student who is completely alone in life. Just 1 year ago I had it all, a beautiful girlfriend of 5 years, a sports team full of people I called friends, parties to go to and places to be. I was in shape I could run 10 miles without a second thought, I enjoyed weightlifting and was a very dedicated lifter in excellent form. I was happy.
My whole life I have been raised to live with my eyes open. To pay attention to people and the world around me. I have always looked for other people who were like me, honest, understanding, intelligent, and most importantly awake. I have never found a single one in 22 years. I have never had any real solid friends as a result. My family has always been there for me, always supportive and loving. My parents used to joke that I reminded them of an 80 year old man. The way I look at life, how I act and think.
Now I have hit a completely new level of loneliness. It started when I found out that my girlfriend whom I had dedicated my entire being to made a mistake and cheated on me with a "friend" over a period of a month and kept it from me for a year. When I did find out I never yelled, I never got angry. I just asked her why. I wanted to know what she was thinking and feeling, how she could make a choice that was so damaging. She was confused like most people at how I could not be angry at her. All I wanted was to move on, to grow and learn from the experience so that we could both come out more mature and intelligent, but it never happened. I found out that every single person who knew my name knew that she had cheated on me. They knew the day it happened. Over a year not a single person cared enough to tell me. The reason why no one told me was because the person she cheated with was a better friend to them. So they sided with him and left me out. I was left alone, not a single friend. No one to talk to or call. Even now a year later there is not a single person I can talk to.
When it first happened I wanted to make it work I wanted to beat the odds but she changed. She changed and pushed me away. She slowly cut contact with me in a painful way. Calling me with her problems and asking for advice. Advice that I would willingly give in a caring way. Slowly she called less and less until finally months later there was no contact. This is not why I am writing here at this very moment. I have accepted the fact she is gone and I have moved on. She will always have a place in my heart and 58 years from now when I am 80 I will still have the same place for her. What has caused me to write here is the absolute loneliness I feel every day of my life.
When I was betrayed by every single person I had called a friend something changed in me. I can't stand to be around people anymore. I try to be sociable and meet new people but it is impossible for me to care about them. Any time I give someone a chance to show me who they truly are I am disappointed by the truth that they are just as stupid and asleep as every other person in my life. I spend nights reading until the sun comes up and then I sleep until 4pm when I wake to the sun setting. Being a student, If I have class I will often get an hour or so of sleep and only leave my house long enough to go to class and come back. All the passion I once had is gone. I can't motivate myself to exercise and have gotten skinny and weak. The people I am around may not know who I am but they tend not to talk to me. Maybe it's the pain on my face, or my lack of interest but they rarely try to interact. The few that do, prove to me again and again how impossible it is to find worth-while people.
I just truly don't know what to do. When I look at pictures of who I used to be I feel like I was lying to myself. The nice clothes, the friends, the image. In fact, I always knew it wouldn't last. I hoped with all my heart it would, but the truth is that I just don't understand people. When I used to go to parties I never understood the purpose of drinking in excess. I tried it a few times and had fun, but drinking alcohol just never made sense. I prefer to have a clear mind and clear thoughts, not to be confused and clumsy. When I would tell others this they would look at me like I was crazy. Not because I didn't enjoy drinking but because no one speaks to them that way. No one ever talks with clarity and truth.
So I find myself here. It's nearly 4am and as usual I won't sleep for a few more hours. I am alone no one to relate to or even talk to. Sometimes I enjoy the silence and the clarity it brings but that loneliness never disappears. I am fearful every day that I will spend the rest of my life completely alone. Without a wife, without a friend. Not a single person but myself.
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