I hate my life

laneblade · 02-28-2010, 02:00 PM

I never had any friends until I came here. I hope you feel like you can talk to us at any time. And don't worry about feeling like your problems are not as important as others. Your still in pain and struggling and we can relate to that. It's nice to know that others are going through the same things as we are. I hated school and didn't find a purpose until I stated working even though it was a crap job. I still made some money as opposed to school where I didn't get paid and didn't want to be there. Enjoy your music and consider it a hobby. Maybe you could get some more that you enjoy. When I can't sleep I do a body scan meditation and relax each and every part of my body and tell it to go to sleep. It helps sometimes. Good luck getting some sleep because that is a huge contributing factor in depression.

Semper Fidelis · 02-28-2010, 02:14 PM

Well I feel that I can talk to you guys.
It's just that I've been betrayed so hard, over and over again, so I can't trust anyone irl anymore.

Uhuh, music :O That's what's saving me right now, otherwise I most likely wouldn't have been here.

Well I've always been a fan of football, and I was a goalie for 9 years. But I don't even like it that much anymore. I don't even like video-gaming, how could that be boring though? ...

Semper Fidelis · 03-01-2010, 11:13 AM

And another boring day in school. Nothing really happened, and time went by as slow as always. :/

And what the hell should I do about this, I don't want to eat because I don't want to gain weight (I'm not overweight), but I want to eat so I'll forget my sadness or something, I don't know :/

I just don't want to live anymore, no one'd care if I just disappeared anyway.

depressed · 03-01-2010, 02:16 PM

I'm sure your parents will care if you disappeared. Why don't you want to tell them what's going on. Obviously they care about you enough to tell you to eat your dinner so I'm sure they would want to know that you are struggling with depression. And if you can't talk to them, write them a letter. Please get help and tell your parents, counselor, or go see a doctor. You seem to want to get better and doing nothing isn't going to make it better.

Semper Fidelis · 03-01-2010, 02:24 PM

My parents would care if I disappeared, but I don't care for them.

My dad betrayed us all 4 years ago, when my parents were in the middle of a divorce. It turned out he had a gambling addiction. Every single penny was gone. His debts were on approximately 700,000SEK.(Approx. 100,000USD today)

He's not addicted anymore but he's still angry, as he's always been, and I recently had a huge fight with him where I didn't see nor talk to him for over a month.

My mum is just....she tries to manipulate us and convince us that dad is a monster, that he's the one that did everything wrong, yet I know it wasn't only him. She's nagging on me all the time and I would honestly not care that much if they actually disappeared.(Or I think I won't.)

Well...she tells me to eat dinner, if I say no she'll just say OK, if I say yes I'll just go and eat. So it's not that they really force me to eat dinner.

I want to get better, but I don't know how. I've thought about the future, and in that future I'm not depressed. But I can't see what I'm doing, because there's nothing that fits me.

While I'm on it, I might as well tell you guys the whole story? Should I?

laneblade · 03-01-2010, 04:48 PM

I would care if you disappeared. I would miss out on all the help you give on here. I think you should tell us the whole story so you get it all out there in the open. I would read it and offer any kind of support I could. Love and hugs for you.

Semper Fidelis · 03-01-2010, 05:29 PM

Okay, I'll give you the whole story.

I've always been one of the kids that don't need to study, yet they know everything. And the subject I've always exceeded at is math, but now I can't even do a simple equation. I don't know what happened, but it probably has to do with my depression. I don't care about school anymore, but I still do my homework and I don't skip classes. (yet)

My friends have always been few, this autumn I had about 6 friends, and 6 more "friends". ("friends"; only keeping in touch through msn/sms)

I've known two of the friends since I was 7 years old, (I'm 16 now) but since this autumn one of them begun to spend more time with some other friends. I'll get to those guys later. I'll call this friend A.

The other friend that I've known since I was 7 years old has recently changed class, to my class. I spent time with him this summer, and I also spent time with 3 friends that we have incommon.(I've known those 3 friends since I was 10 years old) I'll call this friend B.

When B started in my class, everything changed. The 4 of them would ignore me, and I didn't really care, and kept being with them.

But then they really ignored me, so I gave up. I had no friends in school, and it was kind of hard.

So now A who spent more time with other friends noticed this, and started to hang out with me again.

After the winterbreak, we came back to school. On my locker it said "Gay". I can only guess who wrote that.
They started treating me worse(B and his friends, my former friends). They call me names for no reason, pushes me, etc.

But I still had A as my friend, and I started hanging out with the friends he was hanging out with.(They are also in my school)

I fell in love with one of the friends. She isn't really stunningly gorgeous, but she's not ugly. So it's not one of those "I want to have sex because I'm a teen-crush" you know :P

We spent time after school, and she seemed to like me.

Then a shocker came; She was together with B. Yeah, life does suck sometimes.

She still seemed to like me though, and she texted me all the time.
One day I gathered enough courage to ask her if she liked me, and she said she did. I told her I like her as well, and nothing more with that, I mean, she had a boyfriend. That was on a Friday.

The following Monday my friend A was going to be gone for two weeks. (Holiday in Thailand)
The friends he(and me, I thought) had, ignored me totally. Earlier, the girl that I liked smiled at me all the time, now she didn't even look my way.
It lead to my depression getting deeper, and I isolated myself from everyone. I sat alone every break in school, just waiting for it to end.
I wouldn't eat. This was 2 weeks ago. I've lost 4kg's since then.

Finally A came back, but since then things haven't been the same.

I don't even talk to the girl or any of them, not even to A. He's not very interested in talking to me as well.

Oh, did I mention I had a huge fight with my dad somewhere in between?
I didn't see nor talk to him for about 40 days, but it's been resolved now. But it didn't make me happier, you know.

Right now I'm a living zombie. I wake up->Breakfast->School->Home&listen to music->Go to sleep, if I can sleep.

I have severe sleeping problems, I don't get tired at all.
I tried reading a book, I finished it before I fell asleep. (It was about 500 pages or so, took me 6 hours approx.)

I don't want to die, but I don't want to live in my current situation.
Sorry if it's long or if it doesn't have a good context.

Semper Fidelis · 03-02-2010, 04:47 PM

So we had visitors today, and I felt awkward during the entire visit. I feel fat, useless and all of that shit while somewhere inside I know I'm not fat, but I just won't understand it.

School went decent, fake smiling will only last for a few more days though.

I really can't take this anymore, I'm not sure I'll ever get rid of this shit.

depressed · 03-02-2010, 05:07 PM

Hi Semper Fidelis! It's me again. It seems like a lot of your recent problems stem from the people at school. I think many of us on here had problems with people at school at one time or another whether it was teasing, bullying, etc. I've had to go through that when I was in grade school too and I've had my fair share of problems with my parents. It doesn't last forever and you won't be living with your parents forever either. You have to look at the big picture, which I know is hard to see while you are in the midst of all of this. It's not worth giving up on and friends come and go and relationships form and end. That's part of life. I'm past grade school now but I remember something one of my former therapist I saw years ago said to me. I was talking to her about problems I had with school and I can't remember exactly what she said but she made me look at the big picture and told me that years from now, none of these things will even matter. When you're in school, you think that it's so important to do well and your entire life revolves around it. But when you start working, you realize looking back on it that none of it is that big of a deal. All of these people that teased me or whatever have probably moved on with their life and forgotten what happened and they probably don't even see it as a big deal. I look back on my life and can't believe I cared about all that stuff in the first place because it just seems so insignificant to me now. I guess I have the advantage of being past all of that and outside of it now while you're still going through those stuff. But these problems you have with people at school and your parents aren't going to last forever. You just have to get through school and then you can move out and go somewhere else. My point is just to keep the big picture in mind. Take care!

Semper Fidelis · 03-02-2010, 05:14 PM

Thanks for trying, but the big picture is school right now, where I have three years left. I have no friends, I've got two tests tomorrow and I still haven't really studied, so I guess I'll spend this sleepless night on studying.

If the big picture isn't school, it's family, where I hate everyone anyway.

If the big picture is the future, there is none. How can I get a future if I haven't finished school, or if I don't have any family that could borrow me money or something?

How can I have a future when I have almost to no friends?

I'm sick of feeling numb, but I don't want to self harm more than what I'm doing right now.