In the prime of my snotty tears and raging thoughts (today lasted for 7 hours in waves) I wish my brain would give out. After I've calmed down, I'm left with a heavy blanket of depression. This is my first post. I don't know where to begin...How about with my therapist bailed on my last appointment, she rescheduled the one before that...I missed my appointment with my doctor to renew my meds now I'm out for over a week. It's just bad. I constantly accuse my man of cheating at this point I wouldn't blame him. I create such gigantic problems with mine and his family behaving like a lunatic. The older I get the worse it's getting. I don't work. I shower irregularly. I gorge with food or don't eat for days. Boredom absolutely kills me. I began yoga and I firmly believe out helped to calm my mind and channel positive energies...but can't afford it. And on my own it just won't happen. Like folding my laundry and actually putting it away. Anybody relate or have input?

Mornings are very hard. Especially after a day like yesterday. Today I look back at the intense cry and insanity and it reminds me of a child. I wish my brain could allow me to accept things for what they are and move on instead of driving the nails deeper and snow balling into an entire day of snots and tears.
It feels like the blood that goes thru my body is trembling, is that my nerves? I can't acknowledge a pattern with my craziness because I have no routine. I just know that I wish it could stop. If I were stable enough to stay on top of my priorities and responsibilities I might get somewhere in life (some days are easier than others, but sometimes I'll start to clean and leave all the cleaning stuff out because my mania has me neurotic).
I have become 100% dependant on my boyfriend for everything: happiness, comfort, financial...If a day goes by that I don't see him it might as well be the end of the world. I don't eat ,chain smoke cry and call and text CRAZY. I made him my existence. I have one friend and my grandmother. I feel like I'm stuck at the emotional mentality of a 9 year old experiencing adult situations.

I just wanted to say I read your posts - sounds really hard. I have lots of laundry that isn't put away, and my hb and I are both quite down and struggle to clean the house, and don't often open our post or cope with life that well. We've been trying to use lots of YouTube mindfulness meditation clips, and I've been doing some yoga. I don't know whether or not it's helping - it helps him somewhat. Maybe I give up too easily.

There are many things in my life I am haunted by. I also know this is completely mental: I FRET I am pregnant. I have an implanted birth control...still I experience paranoia with this. To the point where even after the pregnancy test is negative I still suffer. It's not constant but many times a day for a while. I don't want to say I forget about it (in my own head I think I should be worrying just in case I really an pregnant) but it comes and goes. PSYCHO!

I've demolished my name. Ask about me, there's either nothing to say or nothing good to say. No Christmas calls no birthday calls...idk. I'm not suicidal, but I see no worth to my life.I've accomplished nothing.

Cigarettes. take cover if I don't have a smoke.

Mornings..some days I wake up with a jump full of anger. Like, to my boyfriend it must seem like I'm on a rampage...and the neighbors...

I'm tired, going to smoke some of a cigarette out back and hit they hay

I managed to organize a lot of my house today. Put away the remaining decorations. Managed to clean two rooms on the first floor before becoming distracted with nothing really. I called the director in the facility I (don't) receive therapy, waiting on a call back. I am not the greatest at keeping appointments and I'm mental, this lady straight up neglects her patients. The front desk are workers are monumental bitches, serious attitude problems. Mischeduled rescheduled unavailable and no communication for weeks. We'll see how this goes.

My daily activity is completely boggled. I take 3 steps to get from a to b, ev ery thing takes longer then normal. not only that my coordination is off and I'm very clumsy (constantly knocking things over, dropping things, misplacing things...like my id) I bump things when I'm walking thru stores ugh. It just take so long with many unnecessary actions for me to complete one thing and it is frustrating. Not only to me, but to those around me.

Here I am reading somebody's post who has health insurance yet cannot find a suitable doctor. I on the other hand have no inssurance, am blown off by a therapist in training.
I found my mother dying from a massive heart attack when I was five. Holidays, sick days, and weekends were with my mom's mom, my gram. My abusive father came back to protect his reputation but could not care for me or my brother (who is a decade older and moved out almost immediately to battle a heroin addiction). Until I was thirteen I was molested by my uncle who lived down the street. A few different schools later I ended up with a heroin addiction before graduation...which is my last accomplishment in life. After graduation I dove head first into a world of drugs homelessness violence prostitution jail-a cycle that was constant until three years ago. Don't get me wrong, I smoke weed faithfully. These things, these choices will haunt me for the rest of my existence. Although I have come to accept and move on from my actions does not change the fact. And it's embarrassing. I mean, I have no friends as a result of my past and family and friends that did speak to me recently told me they thought I'd be dead by now. Most of my family won't talk to me. I continue though to put one foot in front of the other and I don't know why. Hope maybe

Where is the joy? I used to be full of joy and I used to be fun. Some where the spark that was my passion for life died and I wake up full of anger/rage every day.

Therapy (in training) appointment Monday doctor appointment Friday. Ok magic hat I need money for life stabilizing (too dramatic?) Medications.

Survive!

You're obviously very good at it so keep it up, find a therapist thats right for you, Ive tried many and had seen a few of them only once because they just didnt fit for me, I eventually found a hard ass New Yorker lady that works great for me. Took me years to find the right meds for me and there have been a few times over the past couple of years that the dose I was taking wasnt working as well as it should have and I was having a hard time holding back the manic episode I could feel on the other side of the wall the meds had created. Sort of wanted to let it happen but thats just silly...

What meds are you currently taking if you dont mind me asking? Are they helping? Is there any sort of medication assistance program you can sign up for? If so you can get most of your meds for free or for super cheap depending on your income and living situation.

Lithium effexor klpnapin trazadpne.

Very good therapy today. I think it went well, actually, because I began posting on here. I was actually able to remember important things I wanted to tell her. I was also diagnosed borderline personality disorder and slight bi polar and ptsd.. Oh, and I am no longer seeing that illiterate doctor (I just can't fathom a man with a phd not being able to spell grade school words).

Wanted to put in a positive entry so have a great weekend and enjoy the weather of your not getting the snow that I am .