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This is a discussion on huh..help within the Bipolar forums, part of the Mental and Physical Health category; they say when people ask for help then they aren't weak, they are being smart, or wise. So I went ...

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Old 12-16-15, 09:53 PM   #1
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they say when people ask for help then they aren't weak, they are being smart, or wise.
So I went to the therapist, and the doctor, and the psychiatrist....and I took the medication prescribed and I talked and i even went back and talked and talked some more. And talked to my friends. And the more I went for help, it seemed the more help I needed and the weaker I felt and the more "crazy" I was ( am )getting. So today I just cancelled my next appointments. But, still 'wise" enough not to ditch the medication, even though I am only getting 3 hours of sleep a night, talking in my sleep( according to everyone) walking in my sleep( according to the kids..I'm lucky they keep odd hours and make sure I'm not leaving the house) even barking in my sleep ( they thought that was hilarious and still make jokes about that) But despite the disrupted and lack of sleep, I pop awake very early and have tons of energy and just immediately start running around at full tilt cleaning up and going about my day talking everyone's ear off and driving everyone nuts. And I can hear myself doing it. I can smell things. and I told everyone I can and I was right too, cause the doc said sometimes People in a manic state get a heightened sense of smell. But I could go on, and I do. all the time. I sense lots of things. I see things and I know they aren't there, but I still see them and I am so used to it now so it's not even a problem.
anyway, this was about how help...makes a person strong..or weak. But maybe both? At the same time? The medicine I take is good cause I'm not sad or in a harmful state of mind, I don't feel like dangerous or almighty powerful, like I did before a long time ago. This time,I am very annoyed that I have to go through this again. I actually want to sleep like a "normal" person. You know? Like go to bed, close my eyes, and get sleepy...not just feel tired and wish I could sleep. I want to hear my alarm go off and wish I had ten more minutes. I don't want to hear myself saying stuff and keep thinking " oh god, please stop talking! " Cause sometimes I do get yelled at, cause the family is only human :) Even the therapist( no he didn't yell at me) said I push people away, I have this huge streak of paranoia( he did not want to say the "p" word, I had to fill it in for him) and that's one of the things..to push and push like that, a huge streak of independency that pushes people away. anyways...
That's what I have been up to lately. Trying to do the "go by the book" thing and I think I screwed up.
or it's my seasonal manic phase that's just particularly bad this year.
or both.
i'm really, really tired. Sleep medications have no effect on me at all. i have tried all of them. The psychiatrist said the electricity in my brain just burns them all off. Seroquel and trazadone, put me in the ER before. So they are both out. Can't take other things cause history of diabetes and I am not going there again ( don't have it anymore as far as I know) I don't want anymore benzodiaz..whatevers...those are horrible to stop.
funny thing is, the less I sleep, the less I eat, the more energy I have. I Don't even want to eat, and I can't even lie still.I type fast so this isn't taking long :)
Anyways...
I gotta figure this one out
long time no see ;)
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Old 12-17-15, 01:26 AM   #2
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Hi Tessa

How come the less you sleep, the less you eat, the more energy you have? I imagine you have no problem with weigh at all. I'm envy you, really.

What have you been doing during your energetic time? Something good?

Btw your avatar is so cute! ><
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Old 12-17-15, 06:49 PM   #3
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i clean, i drive a lot. I clean some more.( sometimes I get mad and pout and don't clean on purpose cause I'm tired cause it seems like it just never ends and it's pointless) I make food for everyone and don't eat it cause they eat things I don't eat, like meat, dairy eggs. Everything from scratch, except like I don't grow wheat and my pet chickens aren't laying eggs right now cause it's winter and they are moulting their feathers and having a chicken vacation. And I don't have cows and stuff like that. But I do have to cook a lot and it takes a lot of time. Sometimes I try and sit and watch a movie or TV but that never really works cause I have to get up and do something. Lots of dogs and cats, they need attention too. And on a schedule, drive kids here and there. I do try a cat nap now and then. It feels like I slept for an hour but it's always 20 minutes and I pop awake and feel like I'm late for something and I start running around then realize, it's only been 20 minutes. So stressful it's not even worth it.
I don't weigh myself. I don't want to think about that right now. That's one of the things that makes me angry about going to the doctor. is that necessary...all the time? I even ask them, really? Then I just tell them, don't say it out loud and close my eyes. have enough freaking stress thank you.
Anyways, last night was 2 hours of sleep, one nightmare that woke the house, got all the lights on and had one son banging on my bedroom door( he thought there was an intruder) and the other son imessaging me" are you possessed?( watches horror films)"
I need to figure this one out on my own it seems. I think my traipse into therapy again has opened Pandora's box.
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Old 12-22-15, 09:36 PM   #4
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sorry if I sound really harsh. reread my posts. I get so hyper..I rant a lot! And I go off on tangents. When I talk to people I can hear myself doing it. But reading what I write, is even worse.
My apologies everyone!
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Old 02-02-16, 05:14 AM   #5
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I've quit psychologists and psychiatrists, quit meds before too.
I haven't found that it helps long term. (In fact, I don't know anyone with bipolar that has managed long term, just stopping with treatment.)
I recognize the style of writing + talking, however. You sound like you're moving very fast. I'm glad that you don't experience mixed episodes and feel "okay"..
but I also haven't experienced that quitting helps either. Though I understand that it's common, especially during a high period, to want to quit, or stop talking/listening to psychologists/doctors.
I've gotten tired of both ups and downs though. Not all my ups have been positive. I hear that you feel that you're just getting "crazier" by seeing them, but - maybe you just are who you are. You're not more or less "crazy" - but learning about oneself and how to manage one's illness/es is important, and in the long term, maybe not something you should give up on?
A break maybe, or a new psychologist/psychiatrist - one that you can work better with.. or feel more comfortable talking to.
I don't know. I'm just thinking. I know how it's been with me. I've never been "in remission" for more than a year and a half, ever.
But my goal now is just to try everything I can to stay in the middle, as much as possible. I'm tired of both ups and downs.
I've heard that sleep is incredibly important, and influences our moods - ups and downs - and that it's particularly a struggle for people with BP.
And I hear that you wake up and can't sleep, and move too fast... maybe you could try "relaxing" - sitting in a comfortable chair, in the darkness, some (pure) cammomile tea, some quiet music... cammomile never solved my problems, meds worked much better - but I think it helped a little.. more than anything else besides medicines (or alcohol - but that's not something to do)
Theroetically, I know these (trying to slow down, sleeping, relaxing) is one way of handling the ups.. but I also know that it's difficult. I know the constant activity, thoughts, racing... talking...
Just thinking.
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