Time to Unload
I'm in a furor or feelings, or lack of them, and after a bit of Googling have determined that part of my problem is depression. I have so many reasons why, I decided to log in, write them down, and the ones I can't address, maybe I can get some feedback on here to help me get my perspective back. I like to be a proactive person, but my ability to act anymore is practically taken away. I'm so lost.
My abuser is my husband of 7 years now. We started out like a team of horses. Great at working together and figuring things out. He's poorly educated, immigrated from eastern Europe at 3 or 4 and had a tough time making it in school with poor English and no support from parents. Kicked out of several schools and I'm pretty sure he didn't finish university. He's deceptive about everything and regularly mixes up his lies. For some reason I admired his street smarts when we got involved and thought it would be a good balance for my educated, tolerant, gullible me. Oops.
Then our kids came along. They are 5 and 3 and I love them so dearly. So does he, he says. But he regularly tells the 5 year old how stupid he is, an idiot, and so on. My 5 year old would leave in a minute if he had a choice. His dad never spends time with him, even though he works from home all day. If he does get some personal time, "M" just glows with pleasure, at least until he's screamed at again for being a kid.
At the same time the kids were born, I developed Celiac Disease which has only been diagnosed this year. That means I can't eat anything with wheat, barley or rye gluten in it. So my body was breaking down and I was getting yelled at constantly for not watching the kids closely enough, not making meals good enough, not keeping the house clean enough (with two young kids? Right!), and not getting things done on time.
I'm also a lifelong type 1 diabetic. And I have it under control. But being an active person I do have moments of low sugars that make me depressed and lethargic until I get my sugar back up.
So his vicious verbal attacks started about four years ago, right after our son was born. I should add that we live in Canada, and he's not allowed into the states for some infraction I didn't know about until after we were married. A "threat to security" is what the border guard told me when we got caught at the border on a visit to the states. By then I was pregnant and assured that he'd be allowed back in the states in a short number of years. Then the story changed. Unless he pays a huge amount of money to file special permits, he'll never be allowed in.
So the trouble started when I wanted to take our son to visit my Mom and my siblings in the states. He went ballistic over I can't even remember what and I had to cancel the flights. A few weeks later he changed his tune and I was able to make the visit. And this craziness has continued since then. Every year I manage to spend a week at my Mom's, but only with anxiety right until we arrive at the airport. This spring he's made me call Mom four times now to announce that I can or cannot go. She's about ready to come shoot him.
I'd so love a divorce! But he has enough international connections, I have to believe he would manage to disappear with the kids using false documents. So I wait. How old do kids have to be to decide which parent they want to be with? I couldn't stand the thought of him even having occasional custody with his vicious language and erratic temper. Any stressful situation sets him off into a tirade of filthy language. He threatens to hit the kids but never has. However, he has grabbed me by the neck and given me a threatening shake. He's slugged my leg but never hard enough to leave a bruise. And his threats extend to killing my mother, who he seems to have a horrible anxiety about even though she's given us huge financial assistance over the years. He'll take the kids away and I'll never see them again. No one will see me again. And I wonder why I have no respect or love for him?
In bed, the only way he has an orgasm is if I tell a story about me with other guys. He dearly wants to watch me have sex with someone else so he can watch. I find it repulsizive but come up with a likely story to get it over with. Then he announces he'd never let anyone else close to me, ever. The deceptions never end.
Any emotional or financial stress (we supposedly make our living with his stock market day trades, fortunately I still have good credit history and was able to open a line of credit that we scrimp by on) sets him into attacking me and my mother's name with a string of verbal attacks.
If his blood sugar (he's a type 2 diabetic) gets high or his allergies kick in, he also gets ugly.
I could go on. But at this point I don't have any point to my day. The things I most love to do have no attraction to me anymore. Working with horses, gardening, reading, cooking,writing, studying how things work, are all something I carry on with but they no longer give me pleasure. I don't want to wake up but I have to get the kids going. Cleaning the house is done because it has to be, not because it gives me any joy to see it neat for the ten minutes it lasts. I'm watching the kids from 7 AM until 9 PM because any erruption from them will get me yelled at. I respond to questions without emotion. I'm exhausted all the time, light-headed, weak, and out of breath. I don't know if it's from depression or side-effects of the Celiac Disease.
I will not take medications for depression, but I can't see how getting a divorce is maneable right now. I just get so tired of being attacked all the time for my short-comings, and of course he does nothing to keep the house and a large property (we're on a farm) running smoothly unless he needs to look at a hero.
Is there any chance of addressing this by figuring out his emotional issues? Or am I just stuck in an abusive marriage until I can get out or die of depression? I want to enjoy the warmth of the sun and my kids' smiles again!
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