I'm finally letting all this out. My father hated me to put it simply. Any little thing I did ended in my punishment. He said I was a bitch and a slut. He said I would never get married cause no one could ever love me. He once caught me eating pizza and chips at night. He hated it if I over ate. So he beat me with his belt and my mom just let him do it. He beat me so bad I had to go to the hospital. He forced me to tell the doctor I fell down concrete stairs. He had made my mouth bleed by snapping his belt buckle against my mouth. He would drag me by my hair through the house. For cursing he forced my hand into boiling hot water. HE would have me stand and hold out my arm while he cut me. One time he went all out and just starting pounding me as hard as he could. He kept kicking me every time I tried getting up. He pinned me down and swore in my face. I got no presents for Christmas. I had to watch other kids buy them while I got nothing. The thing I've kept some of his tradition. I hurt myself for mistakes like he did to me. I hurt myself anytime I do something I think is wrong. I'm bringing this up now cause it's all coming back to me. I tried forgetting but I can't. I hate him, I hate him so much! I want to die.

AliceLeigh - I have to be honest here, it tore me up after reading this posting. I used to be, also, abused. He did alot of mean things to me, so I can relate to somethings you've mentioned. The one thing I've learned, and hope you don't mind me sharing this with you.

You'll never be able to forget what you've endured; sadly. Even at my age I still can recall the things my adoptive father did to me. It lingers with you and in your mind. Even at my age, now, I can still hear him and feel, as thought it's happening; again. Here's what you can or are able to do; for yourself. First of all, seek some kind of support group for abuse. While I never did, I will admit, I probally should have. They have ways of helping you cope with all that you've endured. They also have support groups that can be there for you, when you're having a rough or difficult time. What I used to do, is write in my diary. It helped me be able to release, all my own emotions and feeling; in private. That's what got me through what I went through (personally.) Last but not least of all. Please don't want to do that. I know you're hurting; deeply. I can empathize with you and how you're feeling. It's not easy to recover from being abused, but in time, and with good/great support (even here), it can be part of the past and not part of your own future. Please don't continue to hurt yourself, because of what happened to you dear. You know, always, we are here for you and supporting you; forever.

Thanks <3

Sorry to keep venting but... I remember also making myself a promise. When I was fourteen I promised myself I would prove him wrong. I would get married and show him that he was wrong. I, however, have failed in that regard and haven't proved him wrong at all. I was convinced at 14 that I would be married by now. I was foolish. I'm still alone. My dad was right about me cause guys really don't like me.

AliceLeigh - I'm going to be honest here and hope you don't mind.

First of all, my adoptive father told me that I'd never amount to anything. I'd never be anybody, and I'd be a failure all of my life. Here's the reality of what he said, for 10 years of my life, before he kicked me out, at the age of 12 years of age. I carried all that garbage with me, for most of my adult life. When things would go wrong, just because they do, I would "give him credit" because of things that he said. The reality is this. When you harp on what the abuse aspect of it is, in your own mind and your own life, you tend to "try keep on course" with whatever's been said, throughout many years of being told that. That's NOT the case. The case in point is this. YOU are a wonderful, strong, beautiful, caring, and loving individual. YOU deserve to be happy and find happiness, like anybody else does within their own lives. YOU can do, whatever it is you set your sights on. YOU can achieve any/all goals you set for yourself. YOU make you who you are, NOT from things that were said, in an unkind and uncaring fashion.

I don't know your age, but I'll tell you this much, about myself. I'm in my 40's. All of this happened to me, when I was the age of 2 thru the age of 12. I was beatin and I was verbally abused. I allowed, what his unkind and uncaring thoughts were, to wreck my life and destroy part of who I (really) am; at my own core. Do not allow or enable him to do that to yourself. I made sure, darn sure, I did everything I could, to prove him INCORRECT with what he would say to me. That's where you're own thinking needs to keep going with; forwards. Don't go backwards when things happen or "punish" yourself, because that's what was done to you. YOU will find happiness and all that goes with it; within time dear. My saying used to be this. PMA= Positive Mental Attidue. Any time the thoughts of what he would say to me, constantly, I would use that saying. I kept myself as positive as possible. I would dismiss his hateful words in my head and keep pushing and moving forward. It's my life and I deserve to live it, enjoy it, and be happy; like anybody else. YOU my dear, deserve that as much as the next person in life. Don't allow or enable him to take away the life YOU deserve to have.

You're right. You're so smart. I need to tell a psychiatrist or something cause I'm falling apart. I'm so dead right now. I have no control over myself. I need help.

I've just had to endure it, like so many (unfortunate) people have; sadly enough. When you start with taking control and fighting back, for your own life and things within it, you start being able to push this all, in the rear view mirror. No, it's not easy and I'll be the first to admit it. You just have to keep ignoring the words that circle within and learn that you can and will keep fighting; for your life. You learn to keep pushing yourself and keep moving forward. There's days, yes, that you will take a step or a few back. It's to keep pushing through those days and realise that YOU have control of your life. The words have NO control over you, as a person nor as a whole. YOU'RE the boss and you decide what's best for you. Words can linger, believe me I know. I have scars (physcial) from what happened to me. You start with learning to tell yourself, that words don't matter, my life IS what matters!

Thank you so much <3 you don't know how much this has helped me to calm down.

But I still need to tell someone like a therapist which I've never done before.

AliceLeigh - How about writing how you feel down. It's a starting point. You'll find that you'll be able to write things down, much easier, and that'll give you a starting point when you go and talk to some one. Just don't try to push it, allow things to flow on the paper. Then, when you're done writing things out, organize them. It makes it easier for yourself. Also, as previously mentioned, it gives you a starting point, when you do go to see somebody and start to discuss things and opening up. It also helps you, by keeping you focused and your thoughts 'on track.' The being calm is a good thing. Learn to keep yourself like that, when things become a bit too much. It really does help; in the long run.

Yes you do.