Blue Girl

that's good. it sounds like it was awful. :(

laneblade

Not really. During the good times he was really good to me. It helped me forget about it for a while. He even took me to my homecoming and my prom because I never had a date. He went to every basketball game and helped me with everything.

Infinite Sadness

My father is an alcoholic who denies my existence now that I am 21, When I was a kid He would show up a few times a year, the visits decreased over the years till I just never saw him, I lived with my mom my whole childhood, and she barely hit me, So I can't imagine what something like that must have been like.

StrutsUK

that sounds terrible infinite, maybe someone else can help

Aviette Winters

L.B sometimes when someone shows you a little bit of kindness after showing infinite cruelty, it's worse than the abuse itself. But it is abuse and those are his anger issues.
You have the right to be angry at your father, and to not see him as being "perfect". He didn't just hit you he repeatedly beat you out of his own rage. You never forget that kind of stuff. It gives you a lot of trust issues especially with men.
If you ever need to talk pm me.

crimson

you did nothing wrong and i would imagine you have a lot of anger towards him, you never deserve that, funny but i know some guys i bet would make your dad wet him self,
i'm sorry you went through that hugs

__________________
"...hope dangles on a string like slow spinning redemption, winding in, winding out, the shine of which has caught my eye..." "vindicated, i am selfish, i am wrong, i am right, i swear i'm right, i swear i knew it all along, i am flawed, but i am cleaning up so well, i am seeing in me now, the things you swore you saw yourself.."
it can't rain all the time

lizzy

Hey laneblade
i am evry glad that u spoke about this
finally u did it!
i think that blaming other ppl is totally right for when ppl do things wrong!!! its wrong to balme someone of they didnt do anything but its denial when ud ont when the person does this....
this had a huge influence over u i am sure and u dont need to be afraid to acknowledge this. in fact acknowledging things like this is far better than forgetting about it and making it seam like nothing or THE PAST.
Our past defines us, all that we had MATTERS - thats why what he did was a horrible crime against u and ur nervous system, agaisnt ur body and soul.
Yes unfortunatley very often the fear of children adn the ppl oppressed makes the agressors feel like its nothing what they did and like it was some minor thing.
Yes its scary to accept that ur parents could do u wrong and even evil.
and yet i think its scarier not to do that.
Its in u, it influenced u so much that even ur body could not control itself.
U cant just do such things and then justify them somehow and forget. Thats why u tried to forget but didnt. Ur conscience and subconscience ahve it all there!! and THEY MATTER.
Its difficult to care for urself when such matters were taught to u all ur life to be insignificant...
I just admire u for starting to pay attentiona and to love and cherish every thing that u have in u - and by writing about it here u proved that U CARE about urself. And thats really smth to applaud to!

Wired

I was kicked around a living room and left alone to fend for myself when I was about 8 by my father. He was a wicked man.

He also came from a bad childhood and had a very rough upbringing and you know what? I loved that man more than life itself at the time. Just to sit by his side snuggled into his chest meant the world to me and I'd feel happy and safe by his side.

I have grown and I've grown up, I have children of my own and I've broken the cycle. I treat my kids with love and respect and try to nuture them and be there for them. If I feel angry I walk away.

I understand why my father did what he did, but it doesn't excuse it and I will never forgive him for what he did to me as a child and consequently an adult.

Be strong hunni. It's not easy.

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These dreams will make you feel brand new, big lights will inspire you ... here it for New York!

Today

Have no idea what to say Lane.

Just huge 's

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...How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd...

Alexander Pope "Eloisa to Abelard"

The iron ore feels its self needlessly tortured
as it goes through the furnace.
The tempered blade looks back and knows better.

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KateOakey

I know just how you feel, my dad treated me and my siblings in the same way but i still love him so much