I have it really bad. I was bullied and beat up by my sister and she kidnapped my kids from me and I don't know how I can get them back. My husband emotionally and physically abuses me in front of our 5 month old baby girl and she cries looking terrified it breaks my heart to see her scared like that. When I was 8 months pregnant with her he hit me in the head with a metal can and I had to be rushed to the ER and get staples put in my head. I Never had staples in my whole life and I'm 33 years old it really hurt. I have 3 kids my sister took from me I'll never get to see them grow up and I miss them like crazy every single day of my life and it tears me up on the inside that they have a new baby sister they will never get to know and grow up with plus a new little sister on the way because I'm pregnant now. I have nothing except for a little bit of government assistance in food stamps $290 and a few hundred dollars is cash a month and that is nothing in these days and times. My car broke down and I have no way to go grocery shopping and some days and weeks I go hungry and other days I'm so depressed my appetite just goes away. I'm already broke this month and I probably won't even have this laptop anymore because is breaking and cracked and all scratched up from having it so long. No matter how hard I try to search for a job no one wants to hire me. I filled out over 50 job applications and I had 2 job interviews while I was pregnant last summer and they refused to hire me because I was pregnant and it was inconvenient to them since my due date was around a busy time for the place I was trying to get a job at. then I had a job interview after I gave birth and I'm so stupid I made it to the interview late because I'm always fatigue and super tired from my depression and I always want to sleep. I can never do anything right. My mother always told me I would never have a good job. I told her I dreamed of becoming a teacher and she told me that it would never work because I sleep too damn much. That broke my heart when she told me that and discouraged me.
I've been in a mental hospital 4 times within the past year and probably over 20 times in my whole life and I am still getting denied SSI. I'm also in debt. I have over drafted two bank accounts because I had nothing and I needed gas and food and stuff. I had to pawn everything I had all my jewelry my parents gave me all my gold, I even pawned and apple ipad I won in a radio contest I'm so sad I had to do that and I have nothing left to pawn not even this broke computer that is about to go bad any day now. I've tried to go to domestic violence shelters but I'd much rather just allow my husband to kill me like he says he is going to do because those DV shelters have bed bugs all over the wooden bunk beds, the women there are mostly just lying saying they are abused in order to try and get free government benefits, (I spoke with some women in there and some of them were never abused just trying to get free stuff from the government), then the room mate I had stole some of my stuff, other women were begging some of the other women for their food they had to feed them selves and their kids. It was a joke. They don't even help like they say they do. They live you on your own to find your own housing. All they do is give you a list of numbers to the local welfare offices, and then they say sorry but the low income housing waiting list is closed now and if you can't find a place of your own in 60 days they kick you out and tell you you better find another shelter to go to. It really is a nightmare in those places. They aggravated my depression even more when I got there and saw all the bed bug going to hide and soon as I woke up. I'll never forget those bites all over my arms and leg the worst itching I ever had. I had probably at least 11 bed bug bites on my arms and thighs. I tried to commit suicide many times but of course I'm a coward and fail at it all the time.
I pray every day I won't wake up but so far I always do. Well, eventually one day I will get that prayer answered since we all have to pass away. I mean why should I want to wake up every day and thank God for waking me up when I know it is just going to be another bad day? A lot of people thank God for waking them up and letting them see another day but I would surely thank God if he didn't let me wake up to see another day of my screwed up life. I hate living in this world.