When I was in middle school I got bullied pretty badly. It was awful. Even the girls would make fun of me. I didn’t have any friends and no one liked me. People would insult me and make fun of me every day. I felt alone, like an outcast, and it was not in my head, I really was alone, and it would follow me.
As a grown man now I still feel like that kid in 7th grade, mentally and emotionally, nothing has changed. I feel like I am still being bullied and ostracized. Everyone has something against me, no one likes me, they want to shun me and isolate me. Why? I never did anything to them. I am tired of being rejected, being shunned, being hated, being disliked. I am inferior, I am lower than shit. I did nothing to you. Why do you hate me? Why do you want to throw me overboard? Want to wipe me out of existence. Why do you want to make sure everyone else hates me as well? Why is everyone against me? I did nothing to get treated like this in middle school and I did nothing to be treated like this as an adult.
This is why for the rest of my teenage years and into adulthood I was severely quiet, never said a word in school or at work. I was too scared to talk, to bring attention to myself. Because I worried that I would get treated the same way I did in middle school. So the answer was to become a mute and stay in my shell for protection. Now just as I am coming out of my shell these past few years, I’ve been talking, socializing, expressing myself, losing my fear of speaking. I’ve become more secure of myself, more confident, self-assured, and seeing the positives about me. And you know what happens? My biggest fear came true, they are treating me the way I was treated in middle school, all because I decided to lose my fear and come out of my shell and this is what I get. Why! Why!!
Naturally I defend myself, have been doing so for many years, but it is a very primitive form of self-defense and is just as destructive as the abuse itself. My body is full of scars now. The cutting is getting old, it is not enough. I don’t know what could possibly meet all the rage and balance it out. I was addicted to weed for a while, that stopped when I ran out of money. I won’t touch alcohol because I’ll go crazy. Both my suicide attempts have happened while I was drunk and depressed/angry. But I do wish I was dead. I just stay alive because I don’t want to hurt my mother. I don’t know what else there is to do. Therapy has not scratched the surface, the meds I am on are obviously not helping. I am wasting time, buying time, to my death. I solely exist right now. I don’t live. I give up on everything, but there is still more to give up on, a lot more, and I am giving it all up little by little, the final “give up” is death.