History repeating itself. Different outcome...
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History repeating itself. Different outcome...

This is a discussion on History repeating itself. Different outcome... within the Abuse forums, part of the Mental and Physical Health category; When I was in middle school I got bullied pretty badly. It was awful. Even the girls would make fun ...

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Old 02-11-15, 08:18 PM   #1
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Default History repeating itself. Different outcome...

When I was in middle school I got bullied pretty badly. It was awful. Even the girls would make fun of me. I didn’t have any friends and no one liked me. People would insult me and make fun of me every day. I felt alone, like an outcast, and it was not in my head, I really was alone, and it would follow me.

As a grown man now I still feel like that kid in 7th grade, mentally and emotionally, nothing has changed. I feel like I am still being bullied and ostracized. Everyone has something against me, no one likes me, they want to shun me and isolate me. Why? I never did anything to them. I am tired of being rejected, being shunned, being hated, being disliked. I am inferior, I am lower than shit. I did nothing to you. Why do you hate me? Why do you want to throw me overboard? Want to wipe me out of existence. Why do you want to make sure everyone else hates me as well? Why is everyone against me? I did nothing to get treated like this in middle school and I did nothing to be treated like this as an adult.

This is why for the rest of my teenage years and into adulthood I was severely quiet, never said a word in school or at work. I was too scared to talk, to bring attention to myself. Because I worried that I would get treated the same way I did in middle school. So the answer was to become a mute and stay in my shell for protection. Now just as I am coming out of my shell these past few years, I’ve been talking, socializing, expressing myself, losing my fear of speaking. I’ve become more secure of myself, more confident, self-assured, and seeing the positives about me. And you know what happens? My biggest fear came true, they are treating me the way I was treated in middle school, all because I decided to lose my fear and come out of my shell and this is what I get. Why! Why!!

Naturally I defend myself, have been doing so for many years, but it is a very primitive form of self-defense and is just as destructive as the abuse itself. My body is full of scars now. The cutting is getting old, it is not enough. I don’t know what could possibly meet all the rage and balance it out. I was addicted to weed for a while, that stopped when I ran out of money. I won’t touch alcohol because I’ll go crazy. Both my suicide attempts have happened while I was drunk and depressed/angry. But I do wish I was dead. I just stay alive because I don’t want to hurt my mother. I don’t know what else there is to do. Therapy has not scratched the surface, the meds I am on are obviously not helping. I am wasting time, buying time, to my death. I solely exist right now. I don’t live. I give up on everything, but there is still more to give up on, a lot more, and I am giving it all up little by little, the final “give up” is death.
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Old 02-13-15, 10:21 AM   #2
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I remember the same experiences in middle school, especially in the sixth grade. I just wanted to lock myself in my room and escape from life. The only outlet I had was reading. When I immersed myself in a book, everything else disappeared for that short time. Maybe you can find that one activity that you can escape into. (And now I'm a middle school teacher! Kids can still be very mean.)

Now I find myself highly sensitive to criticism, which can be a form of bullying. You and I, we have to find something good about ourselves and hang onto it, no matter how small. No one else may notice it, but it may be all that we have.

It's a hard life that we live because others don't understand what kind of impact their actions may have on us. I try to hold onto memories of big things that I have achieved, even if nobody else notices. I was valedictorian of my high school class, but in the HS football-obsessed culture of Texas it was not a significant achievement. I hold onto the memory of that achievement, knowing that I worked for it, and it proved to myself that I was not a complete failure, regardless of how others treated me or even ignored me.

Take comfort in the fact that you are not alone in this respect. I know what you are going through, and I know that it hurts.
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Old 02-13-15, 06:26 PM   #3
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Thanks keyboard man. I also enjoy reading as well.

But there isn't anything I can think of that is significant that could be something I am proud of. And currently I don't know of any positive attributes in my life. Besides being intellectually inclined and loving to read, but that is a solitary thing that I can't really share with anyone.
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